Always intern the other cheek

The Gazette Monthly (formerly The Gazette Weekly) is pleased to announce it is accepting applications for its summer internship program.

Applicants should be rising juniors or seniors who have graduated college and have at least five years of professional newsroom experience. Competitive applicants will have ghostwritten, at minimum, one Bob Woodward book.

The Gazette Quarterly (formerly the Gazette Monthly) is located in Quiet Creek, Kan., with an average circulation of three to a decent sized group of out-of-towners once. Deep familiarity with our paper is expected.

First, submit a cover letter. This is the most important thing for any employer.

(Tip: The successful cover letter will list relevant experience, but not explain what that relevant experience is. It will be formulaic, but never cliche. It should be impersonal, but reveal your deepest secrets. It should simply be, without just being.)

Next, attach a resume. This is the most important thing for any employer.

(Tip: Try to avoid certain “resume killers,” like flair, spelling mistakes, verbs and nouns. For more great resume advice, pick up my book, “The 1,000,000,000-second Resume: 9,000 Quick Steps to At Least Kind of Getting Acknowledged in Today’s Economy.”)

Include eight samples of your work, submitted in an obscure paper dimension we’re still inventing.

The top applicants will be invited for an interview. This is the most important thing for any employer.

(Tip: Be yourself, but avoid common pratfalls, like saying “umm,” breathing too loudly or answering the questions wrong. The interviewers should leave thinking you’re already doing fine and have no idea you’re actually looking for work. Be confident, but not self-assured. If it helps, keep reminding yourself: You’re great and no one wants you.)

Please note, due to a high influx of applications, we’ve streamlined the process to make this once-in-a-semester opportunity open to a wider variety of high-income student backgrounds. Housing will now be provided, but full-time staff have dibs on hot water. Positions are paid — make checks payable to the general manager.

Interns will be expected to help cover breaking news, provide reporting from the field and give the editor a ride home each day. You will have the opportunity to meet and talk with real news people. (Please note: We are not responsible for finding these people.)

The Gazette Quarterly will now be known as The Gazette Hopefully.

Fax or hand-deliver materials on horseback to the human resources department.

The deadline to apply has passed.