The Daily Tar Heel
Printing news. Raising hell. Since 1893.
Friday, March 29, 2024 Newsletters Latest print issue

We keep you informed.

Help us keep going. Donate Today.
The Daily Tar Heel

Quickhits for April 23, 2014

Belltower Climb

4719_thumbsdowno.jpg

Yesterday, hundreds of graduating seniors were treated to the fabled UNC tradition of ascending the Bell Tower and signing their names on its bricks. Unfortunately, the line lasted longer than a drunk pornstar, and the seven seniors that actually still go to class were forced to give up and leave.

Hump Day

4722_thumbsupo.jpg

No, you’re not hallucinating and, no, we didn’t accidently think it was Thursday. This is just a special edition of Wednesday quick hits. “Special” in that we have something else planned for tomorrow and figured everyone would rather read a final quick hits over another editorial on athletes’ grades or Carrboro zoning permits.

That special night

4719_thumbsdowno.jpg

Nina Davuluri, or Miss America to you, recently visited a high school where she was asked to prom by one of its students. Inexplicably, this student was immediately suspended. Some have speculated that it might have been for a dress code violation, as his balls have to be too large for regulation size shorts.

Sloppy Gilmore

4722_thumbsupo.jpg

Nothing says, “I’m ready for the real world” like getting blackout and crying about the end with your friends while wearing enough argyle to clothe the basketball team: Senior bar golf is here. Get excited for whatever is in Player’s Holy Grail, it’s -3 points and sure to make you forget that you actually went to Player’s.

No-Wang Clan

4719_thumbsdowno.jpg

Last week, rapper Andre Johnson got shafted.  He reportedly cut off his penis and then threw himself off a building while high on PCP. The now ironically named Johnson survived the episode, but doctors were unable to reattach his genitals. I would say that this man is clearly nuts, but that just seems inaccurate.

That's all, folks

To get the day's news and headlines in your inbox each morning, sign up for our email newsletters.

With this quick hit ends my reign of “humor.” After countless dick jokes, puns and complaints about our insensitivity, I pass my title of thumb-czar on to another that will try to make you laugh, or at least chuckle under your breath. I hope, just like this sideways thumb, I’ve left you with an overwhelming sense of “meh.”