Quickhits for April 3, 2014

Why so serious?

This week, the quad was greeted with lovely images of aborted fetuses and abused children as part of a pro-life protest. The Center for Bio-Ethical Reform, a.k.a. the Buzzkill Brigade, found the perfect way to ruin the first perfect day of spring. Sometimes that whole First Amendment thing is a bummer, isn’t it?

Getting hot in hurr'

After a brief threat of snow, the weather gave way to 80-degree days this week. Jorts and sundresses are in, yoga pants are out, and finding a spot on the quad is harder than finding a hot girl at Duke. It should only take a couple sunburns and a few gallons of back sweat to have people wishing for winter again. 

Have fun

It’s that most beloved time of the year: fall registration. Students were busy all week planning schedules and finding the perfect classes, only to get greeted by a mass of red “X’s” denying them their desired courses. The only comfort they can take is that they don’t have to face the real world like graduating seniors. 

Teenage Dream

A UVa. student filed a lawsuit for $40 million against the state Alcohol Beverage Control Board after agents wrongly arrested her for buying alcohol underage after she actually bought water. UNC freshmen flooded Harris Teeter looking for the most beer-like water bottles they could find to fool the reviled ALE.

He's Not Funny

Tuesday, He’s Not Here sent a tweet out declaring that after 42 years, it had finally secured a liquor license. Alas, this turned out to be only a cruel April Fools’ prank. All across Chapel Hill there were cries at this realization. We’re not sure if it was cries of sadness from the students or of relief from their livers.

What now?

The National Labor Relations Board recently upheld the Northwestern University football team’s request to form a union. Pundits have claimed that this could do anything from dissolve the NCAA to absolutely nothing. Only one thing’s for sure — no one has a damn clue what any of this means.