Column: Power of action and self-doubt

Like many on the staff of The Daily Tar Heel, I had no intention of coming to UNC to become a writer.

The former opinion editor of this paper, Henry Gargan, riskily gave me a spot on the editorial board in fall 2014. As a first-year who knew nothing about this state, town or university, I had no business being there.

But then I started having opinions that were valuable. I caught up or pretended I had. I’m still not sure which. With that came a wave of self-assurance, confidence and near-boisterousness.

The Daily Tar Heel has been my gateway to much of my experience in Chapel Hill. It has opened doors, allowed me to interview fascinating people and participate in discussions that mattered. But more than that, it helped me find a footing in a place where I knew no one and longed to be known.

Last semester, I quit the editorial board to make more time for an internship with the town’s planning office, a position I earned because I interviewed my boss for an editorial about streets, space and the autocentric assumptions we seemingly always make.

I was done writing, done envisioning change with my sharply crafted words. It was time to execute, to see my ideas materialize.

For me, the internship was not at all what I expected. Though I provided valuable insight for the town’s bike plan, I wasn’t able to see anything change concretely.

I learned the hard way that the professional world of planning I entered is not given to rapid, paradigm-shifting change. At least not at the pace convenient to someone doing a four-month internship.

So perhaps writing is the easy way out, though in no way is the countless hours our editors and reporters put in easy. Writing allows us to elucidate visions, explore ourselves and our amazing creative capacity.

But when the reality you envision is so vastly different from the one you live in, it’s hard to take an active part in changing anything without making concessions, taking half-steps and becoming hopelessly disappointed in yourself.

I think that’s why this semester has been personally difficult — if you have trouble believing your work is valuable, you think similarly disparaging things of yourself.

Perhaps the most encouraging thing I’ve learned from writing this column is that people not established in the world of transportation planning, cycling and urbanism can get behind what I’m talking about. Similarly encouraging is hearing from those who disagree, because at least I know I was heard.

Is it better to write or to do? Are these two even mutually exclusive, or is there a happy medium between them both?

I’ve struggled throughout this semester to answer that question and to find value and fulfillment in my work.

But no matter where I end up, I’ll have this paper to thank for the chance to have found a voice and a translatable passion.