Fergie drops 'Double Dutchess' a decade after debut studio album

Oh, snap! There is finally a sequel to Fergie’s one and only studio album, "The Dutchess."  

At this rate, she’ll drop her seventh album in the "Year 3000," just like my Jo Bros. No shame, Fergie.

At least you’ll go multi-platinum and outsell Kelly Clarkson.

I digress. Anyway, it’s been eleven years since Fergie first blessed us with “The Dutchess.” And to honor the fact that she has kept true to her not so clever but crazy catchy lines and repetitive, borderline obsessive rhymes in her new album, I have compiled a F-E-R-G-A-L-I-C-I-O-U-S sequential song synopsis.  

If you were suspicious, all these songs are not fictitious. You’re welcome.

F — Flirty Fergie can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, ‘cause she’s dead. For real though, Fergie’s first song of “Double Dutchess” entitled “Hungry” will have you starving — not thirsty, just hungry for more of this new side of the renowned Black Eyed Peas vocalist. Fergie pushes her naughty girl scout playfulness all the way into full-on seduction in this explicit album opener featuring Rick Ross. It is clear that homegirl still has her signature eccentric flare from the music video alone, so be ready to randomly get the urge to moonwalk on marble floors with the allure of “Hungry.” 

E — “Errbody gonna rock to the bass” because Fergie explains in her usual over-the-top way that she makes money and spends money 24/7 in her song "Like It Ain't Nuttin'." The queen of hip-hop smashes her long-awaited return with this rap resembling the third verse we all pretend to know the words to in “Fergalicious.” As usual, she was right. When she stepped in the room, we ballers rocked to the tune. Mic drop. 

R — Ready, steady, roll. I definitely began to see a theme with Fergie’s new black-and-white music videos with “You Already Know.” The master of body language strikes again, while Fergie keeps spittin’ bars about new shoes and a new attitude. And for the record, no, we did not know you could still drop it like that at 42 years old. My only complaint with this jam, which features Nicki Minaj, is a background riff eerily familiar to Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock’s “It Takes Two.” Homage or copyright infringement? 

G — Got a table set for two. The guests? Fergie and T-Swizzle. So there is definitely more of a correlation between both of these recent musical transformations than I thought. We apparently made them both revolutionize their iconic sounds, and now we watch. I could definitely be reading too much into this, but I’m 438 percent positive that the mysterious man in this video is the guy from the fashion show that made Fergie “Clumsy.” The girl can’t help it. Illuminati confirmed. 

A — "A Little Work" is exactly what this song doesn’t need. Fergie shows us that she is in fact a real human being with problems through relatable lyrics. Her real talk is the refreshing equivalent of Miley Cyrus’ "The Climb" after years of "The Best Of Both Worlds." Definitely add this one to your pondering-what-to-do-with-your-life Spotify playlist. Just remember that big girls don’t cry, though. 

L — "Life Goes On" stays true to the classic Fergie mantra of paving your own path, and I have missed her free spirit like a child misses their blanket. There are definitely multiple shameless plugs for Eos and Beats in the Fergie VEVO video, but does Fergie care? Driving with her feet on a highway says no, and that’s the Stacy that we all know and love for not caring whatsoever about other people’s opinions. Love you long time.

I — If "M.I.L.F.$" doesn’t spell out Fergalicious to you, go get tested for illiteracy. As simple as one and two, Fergie rides her usual line between saying that she can’t be treated like clientele and acting in the exact opposite manner. From the glaring Milfman truck labeled “Moms I’d Like to Follow” to describing an explicit version of how her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, Fergie is definitely up to her usual shock-and-awe standards with this song. I say it holds the same bawdiness that Katy Perry achieved in her "Firework" video. Keep makin’ them boys go loco, Ferg. 

C — Crying is not for big girls, Fergie. Except for when she had me asking why I was crying in the club after hearing "Save it Till Morning." The complexities of Stacy Ann Ferguson continue. She tackles the pertinent issue of domestic abuse the same way Rihanna and Eminem did in "Love the Way You Lie" (Be honest, that was everyone’s middle school jam for when the angst was too much). Except Fergie recognizes that there may not be a next time and does something about it. We like this balancing act of passivism and activism, Fergie. Keep it 100. 

I — Instagram boomerangs that you spent 12 times retaking are immediately put to shame with the video for "Enchanté." I’m not sure why this song is even considered a Fergie song, because she is not in it. At all. It’s not cool to pull a David Guetta and conveniently skip out on all of the songs on your album, but Fergie only did it this once, so I guess she can get off with a warning. But for real, this song sounds more like a Selena Gomez song than classic Fergie. Mixed emotions. 

O — Our little sex goddess came out to play at Coachella in "Tension." Definitely a typical Fergie song, but the song is so sexualized that it isn’t really relatable. Ferg isn’t just banging out a delicious beat this time, if you catch my drift. She’s showing off her music festival vibes in a modern day Woodstock music video, complete with blunts and cut-outs that show off the pretties. The song itself is halfway catchy, but doesn’t have a lot of substance — musical substance, that is. 

U – Uh, she told us where she’s at. "L.A. Love" isn’t a new song though, as all you NBA 2k16 ballers know. It seems kind of strange to put this previous single on this album, but you do you Fergie. I guess her London Bridge didn’t wanna go down after all. There’s not much else to say, but it’s international, so international. 

S — So if you’re a die-hard original "The Dutchess" fan, I’d pass on this dutchie. There is a clear Musical Youth inspiration in Fergie’s British-Jamaican vibe song "Love is Blind," but Bob Marley would approve of this song. You’ll float on this song too, if you’re into that. 

Freebie! Because there was one more song on the album and aren’t we all one of them tag-alongs down for the free t-shirt at UNC? Yes, yes we are. "Love is Pain" would work for Whitney Houston, but Fergie’s rendition of a soul song is more like laughing too hard at a Twitter post set to a staccato melody. Not the best album closer, Fergie. You’ve got some straightening out to do.

Long story short, Ferg’s album has hot-hot moments and some not-so T to the A to the S-T-E-Y moments. If you can look past her hiccup songs, there are some real gems in there.  

Hopefully we will all be lining down the block in much less than ten years to watch what her third album’s got.

@JessHardison31

arts@dailytarheel.com