You Asked For It: In which we scam Campus Dining Services and keep your butt dry.

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Perry Carter and Derek Fulton are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

Perry Carter (First Citizens) and Derek Fulton (Wells Fargo) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You: Who are CDS? How on earth do they lose money at $11 per swipe? Couldn’t they pay a first-year computer science major $50 to automate the card swiper’s full-time job? 

You Asked For It: To make the most of your meal plan, get ready to shake and bake. 

1. Get a few trusted friends, enough for an organized task force.

2. Live as close as possible to Lenoir Hall, the base of operations. 

3. Devise a schedule. I personally only go during a full moon, but this is up to your group.

4. Walk into the left door, so you can wait in line for as long as possible while dwelling on the fact that you’re about to lose $11 for a sub-par meal. Just kidding, you already lost that because you paid up front.

Ok, now things get serious. You need to walk directly to the exit escalator. Then wait 15 minutes. Look down, to see the smiling face of one of your companions. 

Make firm eye contact and allow your One Card to flutter down into the loving and righteous hands of your comrade.

You: I love to go to the arboretum, but the weather stuff we’ve been getting from Harvey and Irma, it hasn’t been as enjoyable. Help me reconcile my love for the arboretum with my not wanting to have a wet butt!

You Asked For It: The transition from late summer to early fall really is a tease: temperatures are moderate, the leaves on deciduous trees are starting to do their thang. But it’s also hurricane season (tickets available at and, sometimes, what ought to be great days spent outside aren’t. Makes you want to exclaim: “Darnt!” 

The Tar Heel Tarp™ is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a 16’ x 20’ tarp that comes only in a shade of blue called Carol Folt’s Scarf. 

It’s the perfect solution to your issue in the arboretum. Venmo me $80 real quick (find me at @canesticketscalper) and I’ll send one directly to you. 

Blue skies, dry arse, can’t lose.

Thanks for reading.

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