You Asked For It: Stinky and godless

Perry Carter (Team Katy Perry) and Derek Fulton (Also Team Katy) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You: I’ve been running in the mornings before class. It’s a great way to start the day, but I don’t have enough time to shower! 

I’m in my stinky running clothes all day! 

I even saw an insulting message about myself in the ENGL 105i GroupMe I’m in. Should I give up exercise as a philosophy?

You Asked for It: First, congrats on the new exercise routine — what a good thing to do for yourself! 

But I understand your conundrum: you might be skrilla flush with endorphins, but you stink to high heaven! 

Well, rest assured, I’ll tell you exactly what to do to both maintain your wellness routine and keep smelling fresh. But, as a disclaimer, this plan may involve a little begging for forgiveness versus asking for permission:

1. Get into your car under the cover of darkness.

2. Drive west on Main Street in Carrboro toward Orange Water And Sewer Authority, the exact location of which is 400 Jones Ferry Road.

3. Kink. That. Water. Main.

Now, everyone in Orange County will be without water (pour one out for the water crisis of February 2017). 

You: I’ve been praying day and night, but my grades keep getting worse and worse. My grade on my most recent Chemistry 102 exam was 29. 

I don’t know what to do. How do I get through to God? Can I punish God for hurting me? 

YAFI: Sorry to hear your most recent exam went so poorly. A score like that is not only failing, but is below freezing (Fahrenheit, obviously).

I’m no advocate of the man-in-the-sky myself, but if I were, I would say hold off on any vindictive action. You don’t know who you’re dealing with. And let me tell you, it’s not Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldrin. They’ve been back.

But if you need chemistry tutoring, be sure to hit me up at iedcapital@protonmail.com. I also do CHEM 261, MATH 232, MATH 233 and COMP 110.

Good luck with your classes. And more importantly, good luck in your relations with the man-in-the-sky.

But seriously, feel free to shoot me, Derek Fulton, not with a gun, but preferably with an email at iedcapital@protonmail.com.