It has been brought to my attention — for the past twenty years of my life — that I am, in fact, “cute,” “adorable” and “innocent.” My lack of participation in alcohol consumption, drug use and cursing, I suppose, has molded me into what I could only best describe as the protagonist of an anti-sex/drugs/alcohol campaign. One of my friends recently summed up my presumed essence best when he asked me, “Have you even seen a penis?” Often I am offended at the notion of someone else deciding my level of innocence for me, but, as it has passively been pointed out to me by many, I am but a weak little female, so ultimately I’m not qualified to determine who I really am.
With this, I proudly declare that I have fully accepted my naive, innocent status and have decided to undergo full witchcraft transformation to exist in my truest form — a little baby doe. No sexuality, little decision-making abilities, defenseless — a doe is my preferred animal of choice. I could also go with a cute, bouncy bunny or even a delicate little butterfly, but somehow my predetermined lack of free will calls me to choose a doe. I’ve never felt more right about anything in my life.
How will I achieve this transformation, you ask? It’s quite simple. At the stroke of midnight on Sept. 14, I will be beckoned from my sleep by a single fairy’s kiss, and I will travel on the back of a beautiful, golden-flaked dragon named Wintersbeak, to a hollow tree. I will perform a secret knock — and no, you can’t know what it is, nice try — and a silver-haired witch with freakishly long nails will grant me entry into the tree, where I will imbibe various witch-like concoctions, and voila! My transformation will allow me to live the rest of my natural life roaming various forests and woodlands. We’ll see how far I get, as I am not one for rigorous outdoor walking.
I cannot believe I didn’t realize my potential, or lack thereof, and didn’t hop on the spirit animal train much sooner. All these years I’ve wasted having real ambitions and goals, always denying the fact that I am better suited existing at the whim of Mother Nature herself. Never did the thought once cross my mind that I was just too precious for the human world, but now I am saved. Who knew that realizing who you are could be so magical?
Classmates I’ve just met, random men on the street and family friends need not remind me of my innocent nature anymore. Now I can live out my destiny as most people in my life have determined fit — a flimsy little doe just trying to make it in the big forest.