You Asked For It: In which we fake our deaths to find love

Dear YAFI,

My freshman year at UNC, I excitedly pledged DKU. It’s been a wonderful experience. Only one (1) puppy has been sacrificed to the cause, and I’ve met tons of girls in our colosseum-style basement dance floor. (For non-attendees, I’m referring to the raised platform that wraps around our dance floor, which is located in our basement. There, we, much like the upper crust of Roman society, can proudly & bravely watch a dense crowd of girls dance, as they compete, much like the gladiators of days of yore, for our attention and love.) 

As I said before, it’s been a wonderful experience. However, in light of all this Kavanaugh stuff, I’m starting to feel like a guy can’t even be in a frat anymore without potentially risking his nomination to SCOTUS. Should I be worried? 

Sincerely,  

Concerned DKU member

Hi Concerned,

Probably?

Hello YAFI!

I’m worried the person I’m seeing doesn’t like me as much as I like them. How do I make them like me more?

Xoxo

Lonely Boy 

Dear Lonely Boy,

Step one: Fake your own death. Something simple. Purchase a new identity on the black market. Escape to some remote, consistently cold country—we’re thinking Siberia, but follow your gut. Survive on nothing but Bugles—they’re delicious and when consumed in large quantities cause minimal guilt. Step two: wait. Wait and see if they find you. If they really care, they will use what they know about you to piece together your location. Do they remember your favorite flavor of Yoplait Light? Do they remember the street your aunt’s second husband’s grew up on? If they don’t, then you’ve saved yourself from the embarrassment of liking someone who clearly doesn’t like you. If they do, then you know you’ve found someone in it for the long haul. 

YAFI,

Help! I haven’t been able to stop listening to Cher’s new album of ABBA covers. Am I addicted? 

Sincerely,

Madonna

Dear Madonna,

Sit down. Are you sitting? I don’t want to freak you out, but Cher did, indeed, recently announce that she will be coming to Raleigh on her 2019 tour. I know. We’re all very excited, grateful, nervous, etc. And hold on to your Balenciaga bootstraps because we have a YAFI exclusive: Two-time Teen Choice Awards nominee Meryl Streep has signed on to play Cher’s hype woman on tour. We cannot wait to see the two duet “The Winner Takes It All” because the truth is, we all win when women come together and support one another by playing mother and daughter despite a three year age gap. So keep listening to those covers, and then be one of those annoying concert-goers that sobs continuously throughout the show. She’ll love it, we promise.