If you’re a living, breathing human this holiday season, chances are you’ve been invited to an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party.
Sadly, we no longer live in a world where a genuinely ugly sweater can be obtained at a local Goodwill for under $10. /: Christmas sweaters are no longer a product designed for grandmas who just think that sort of thing is cute.
Nowadays they’re genetically engineered to be ugly, forcing us lovers of irony to compete for the grand title of Ugliest Sweater.
If Dec. 1 has already passed, it’s unlikely that you’ll find the ugliest sweater in the stores (damn you, supply and demand!), but luckily there are plenty of equally atrocious online options.
“Crack Deez Nuts” sweater — $49.99
Puns! Cultural relevance! Ha Ha!
Feel the Joy Groping Hands — $47.99
The Winter Holiday Katy Perry — $49.99 used
Lookin’ for love this holdiay season??? These were found via Google search for “naughty christmas sweaters.” And, even more disturbing, the latter is being sold used for fifty dollars. If this doesn’t skeeve you out, and you live for shock value and excessive fringe, this could be the sweater for you!
The Christmas Plush — $67.95
Gift idea: Give to Grandma to bring a whole new meaning to the song “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer!”
Fresh Princemas — $15.75 – $21.54
Perfect for a Ugly Sweater/90s Fusion party!
#Elfie — $34.99
This is described on the website as “Humorous picture of Santa and one of his elves.” Well put.
Christmas with Bernie — $49.99
A perfect gift for a politically savvy friend who want to “Feel the Bern” this holiday season with the only presidential candidate who looks like an actual elf.
Uhhhhh — $29.99
A lady sasquatch wearing a bikini in the middle of the woods! I’m not going to pretend like I understand the reference, but hey, to each her own.
Sweat Suit — $99.99
Ugly Christmas Suit! The price is totally worth it for the amount of versatility it has as it is both Classy & Festive. Wear it to a Christmas Eve church service, or wow your family by showing up to Christmas dinner in this spirited get-up!
Llamakkuh — $59.95
This sweater incorporates puns, funny animals, earlocks, and therefore serves perfect for any night of Hanukkah! L’chaim!
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