How to survive a half marathon: Intimidation stretching, water-flinging and dishwashers

Yesterday I ran my first half marathon. And I am still alive. Since this obviously makes me a complete authority on the subject, I’ve compiled all the tips and tricks that got me through the pain, from my pre-race intimidation tactics to my crying session at 13 miles:

30 minutes before the race

Arrive early and start stretching really intensely beside the line to the bathroom. This creates fear in the people around you. They will start to weigh the benefits of getting out of line and stretching or going to the bathroom one last time. They will inevitably choose the bathroom, leaving them plenty of time to watch you look awesome.

This technique worked so well that a guy actually got out of line and asked me if I had Vaseline, which obviously shows that I looked like a racing veteran.

5 minutes before the race

Remember that you’re going to need good music to get you through the race and frantically start searching for a good playlist. My phone suggested two called "Peace" and "Peaceful Piano." I went with “Fun Workout” to convince myself that I was about to have a really good time.

At the start line

Accidentally lose your running buddy about six seconds past the start.

Mile 2.5

Realize that you actually dressed for a snowstorm, not a race. Make an excellent fashion statement by tying your sweatshirt around your waist and regretting its presence with every step.

Mile 4

Occupy your mind with calculations about clocks, distances and split times and realize that math is hard. Persevere anyway and make your life harder by setting a difficult time goal.

Mile 6

Recognize a water station with joy. My favorite part of the whole run was the water stations, not for the water but for the opportunity to fling the water cup afterward. I never got down more than one gulp, but throwing a half-full water cup is so satisfying. Bonus points if you spray other runners while you’re at it.

Mile 9

You are a machine and therefore cannot feel pain. Just tell yourself that over and over. Do robots feel pain? Do dishwashers feel pain? No. Neither do you.

Mile 10

Start laughing when Justin Bieber comes on that “Fun Workout” playlist. Bieber has gotten me through many a comp sci lab and I knew he wouldn’t fail me in my mile of need. Make sure you make comments to yourself during his song so everyone else nearby can wonder if the distance has finally gotten to you.

Mile 13

Start crying as you realize that there is only .1 mile left and you will probably finish this thing. Keep crying while you sprint to the finish so that your friends can get lots of ugly pics of you dying. 

Source: Giphy

@meggiecruser