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The Daily Tar Heel
You Asked for It

In which we invoke a scientologist to talk about power and snow.

<p>Drew Goins and Kelsey Weekman</p>
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Drew Goins and Kelsey Weekman

Kelsey Weekman (Condition 2) and Drew Goins (Condition Eww) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You: The past week has had me terrified that the power is going to go out. What should I do if that happens?

You Asked for It: First, look for lighting. Grab that flashy thing from Late Night with Roy out of your drawer.

For warmth, swaddle yourself in rejected General Alumni Association T-shirts. For that extra spark of warm and fuzzy feelings, look at pictures of Oscar Isaac. If you don’t have the January GQ Magazine on hand, reflect on Cam Newton’s smile.

Now’s your chance to try no-bake recipes, like “plain cereal” and “can of beans you bought when you were lying to yourself about fitness.”

Enjoy games from your youth with a new, mature twist, like hide-and-seek in your 15-by-10 room, or play dress-up with the “Maverick from ‘Top Gun’” Halloween costume you probably have.

Live-tweet your experience, but instead of using internet, scrawl your thoughts into the stones from your landscaping, just like the pioneers used to.

You: I missed out on all the snow activities these past few days. How do I make the most of it next time?

YAFI: First off, there probably ain’t gonna be no next time. You’re south of the Mason-Dixon, and here in the Bible Belt, snow is about as rare as hen’s teeth. Also, North Carolina weather is as erratic as a sleepwalker on a combine, and precipitation is as fickle as a third folksy object of comparison.

You want to be ready to go once classes are canceled so you don’t miss out on any hibernal hijinks.

Any and all hunkering should generally be avoided, unless it involves peppermint schnapps spiked with hot cocoa and Oscar Isaac, who, as stated previously, is indeed a hunk.

Rather, gather your snow “equipment” and head outside. Don’t worry if you don’t have a proper toboggan like your suitemate who loves to remind everyone he’s from Connecticut and it’s not actually that cold.

We all know a storage bin lid makes a great ersatz sled, but you should also consider binders, takeout trays or dorm mattresses if you want professors, dining staff and housing administrators on your frosty tail like the police will be when you mob-storm Skipper Bowles.

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