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The Daily Tar Heel
You Asked for It

You Asked for It: In which we warm up our vocal cords and evade taxes

<p>Drew Goins and Kelsey Weekman</p>
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Drew Goins and Kelsey Weekman

Drew Goins (Drexit) and Kelsey Weekman (Kegs-Hit) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You: How do I prepare for my oral presentation at the end of the semester?

You Asked for It: Have a friend time you and forget to give you a two-minute warning, because your professor will 10-out-of-10 do this. Should you be under time, pause to ask for questions after every sentence.

Create abbreviations for all your words. If the whole of the European Union is allowed to talk about the Brexit, you can truncate “topographic position index” to “TOPO.”

Do the presentation without notecards. Stare without blinking at your speech for the three hours leading up to class so that it does that thing where it imprints on your eyes and you can see it wherever you look.

Finally, incorporate tongue-twisters into your everyday life to practice your enunciation. Head down Franklin Street to stop by Sunrise for a hearty breakfast of a box of biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits and a biscuit mixer. Visit Julian’s for pre-shrunk silk shirts, pre-shrunk silk shirts, pre-shrunk silk shirts. Good luck finding a sick sheikh with six sick sheep.

You: How do I do my taxes?

YAFI: Tax Day was yesterday, and we all know from Uncle Rico in “Napoleon Dynamite” that time travel isn’t possible.

Know that it’s not your fault. They don’t teach you this stuff in college — not even in Economics 101 — and it’s hard to get attention from those professors unless you’re streaking.

Take your tax forms to a CPA before sending them to the IRS. Everything with an acronym is owned by the government, so you can also file taxes at the BAU or NASA.

If you’re running late, mail your taxes from a strange location like Coachella or the Ripley’s Believe It or Not! Museum. That way, you can blame your tardiness on the postal service. Kick them while they’re down — that’s the prime location for kicking!

If you forgot about paying taxes entirely, just declare your dorm room a sovereign nation. Throw Lenoir cookies into the Pit to protest taxation without representation.

Ask your parents for help. If they are sick of your lollygagging, just ask anyone over 5’7” wearing a blazer. They have it together.

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