Alison Krug (Roy Williams’ pastel menagerie of sports coats) and Kiana Cole (Isaiah Hicks’ sense of childlike wonder) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: What are some things you’d rather do than listen to your friend talk about his Phase 1 Duke ticket?
You Asked for It: Sit in the middle of the Pit during lunch rush on a stationary tandem bike with Gary the Pit Preacher as my tandem bike partner while dance marathoners perform a ritualistic but eerily choreographed dance around the both of us. Fall on the ground while playing that “The Floor is Lava!” game except the floor is actually lava and now I’m sitting in it. Listen to an infinite loop of Ray Romano saying “Debra!” in his Ray Romano voice. Watch that factory video about how chicken nuggets get made while my head is on fire. Eat the inner razor part of a blender. Do my laundry at 3 a.m., except instead of putting my clothes in the washer I put myself in the washer and instead of water I accidentally used hydrogen cyanide and now I’m being tossed around in a machine in a bath of poisonous liquid and no one can hear me because it’s 3 a.m. and my roommate sleeps like during hibernation. If you’re also feeling passive aggressively glum about not getting a ticket to the game and have $5 to your name, cheer yourself up this Friday night with some CHiPs improv! #SponsoredContent
You: I’ve never attended a UNC sporting event, yet I feel very entitled to my Phase 1 Duke ticket. What should I expect at my first ever UNC sports soirée?
YAFI: Mike Krzyzewski once said, “Great rivalries don’t have to be built on hatred. They’re built on respect, on a respect for excellence.”