Kiana Cole (selected as Luke Maye’s eyebrow intern) and Alison Krug (recipient of the 2017 Shea Rush’s Hat Fellowship) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I’m starting to get the feeling that basketball is pretty important here. What are some tips so it sounds like I understand what’s happening during the game on Saturday?
You Asked for It: I get it, basketball in high school was just a way for tall people to hang out on hardwood floors. But at UNC, it’s different. And you’re going to look like a loser if you were to hypothetically say something like, “Wait — could he foul back in?” Hahahaha! Silly!
Here’s what you need to know: When Theo Pinson dunks and misses, it’s zero points. When he dunks and gets it in, it’s one point. Like, 12 steps back from a dunk is worth two points. A little further from that is three points. When Luke Maye fiddles with his mouthguard, it’s six points. When Roy wears tweed, it’s 14-and-a-half points.
That seems like all you need to know. If you have more questions, the best time to speak up and ask them would be right as any of our boys are setting up for an important shot. GTHO!