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(03/26/10 2:43am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainIt’s been so much harder to have sex in Davis Library after they raised the doors and installed bigger windows.To the couple watching a foreign film and picking each other’s scalps in Kenan’s lounge: WTF?To the girls who screamed and waved condoms at us out of a car: Yes, we accept these advances.To the guy playing the Taylor Swift songs on the ukulele in Polk Place on Friday: You belong with me.Spider-Man: While you were out protecting the world from all things evil, you left your toothbrush in Lewis Dorm.To the girls urinating outside Kenan Labs on Saturday night: Stay classy.To the girl on the quad Saturday studying for the MCAT who said, “I think I’ve been drunk more than I’ve been to class this week”: Please don’t ever be my doctor.To the guy with the Eraserhead haircut in Davis: Awesome.Dear fellow males bathed in Axe body wash, deodorant, shampoo, and cologne: It works. I want to have sex with you. Now let’s see if any girls do.To the people in the third floor lounge of Craige North: Naked studying?Overheard in the Union: “I tried to tell her about God and she nexted me. I’m bringing the gospel to Chatroulette.”Dear treadmill girl: Did I really see you bring in your laptop and put it on the treadmill so that you could listen to iTunes while you worked out?Dear Joe Biden: You are officially a BAMF.To every male sitting shirtless in the back of his pickup truck in the parking lot of Chapel Ridge trying to get a tan: You’re a tool.To the couple who had sex in Cobb lobby: We know it was Wednesday, but did you have to take hump day literally?To whoever studies in the UL with a pencil eraser that sounds like a guinea pig: It was funny at first, but now it’s just freaking me out.To the girls making bird noises while looking up at the roof of Hanes Art Center: The pigeons on top of the building are not real, so therefore, they will not respond to your bird calls. Sorry.To the person who farted in PSYC class: We all heard you.To the guy shooting people with a banana “gun”: Hilarious. But do you get to do any of that in bed?Having all these fourth- and fifth-grade kids here visiting campus is seriously cramping my swearing.Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
(03/19/10 4:15am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainDear Intro to Country Music: Way too intense.To the dude with the Bob Barr bumper sticker, listening to ‘Single Ladies’ while looking for local shooting ranges: You’re creepy.To my across-the-hall neighbor: It was funny to find you randomly asleep on my couch. It wasn’t so funny when I found the pee later.Dear girl on Chatroulette: I had fun playing drinking games with you. Give me your number.You can call it a “take-home” exam all you want, but you still assigned a 6 to 8 page paper and gave us two days to finish it… in the middle of midterms. Thanks.To the girl waving around her Social Security card during Stats class: I missed a few numbers. Want to just pass it back next time? Or perhaps just read it aloud?To the man in the Teeter with the combover: While washing your hair might make more of it fall out, that would nevertheless reduce the gross factor by about 40 percent.Dear Jasmin Jones: I think Roy is going to have a talk with you on your political conspiracy with the basketball team in stopping the Franklin fires.Dear sketchy man on my floor’s lounge: No, you may not sleep there. Your mustache makes you look like pedophile.WTF DTH, where is “This day in history?!” I need to know why today is important!To the girl blabbing about her ski trip to Vermont: Did you buy that tan there, too? Because you certainly didn’t have it before you left.Dear UNC frat boys: I dare you not to wear khakis.To the girl who played on my opponent’s indoor soccer team: Was that just physical soccer or were we grinding?To the people who regularly take the elevator in my three-story dorm: There’s no way you passed LFIT.Dear Lenoir: I don’t care how small you make the cups, I will still find a way to achieve obesity through carbonated beverages.Dear tap water in Craige: I’m not a racist, but I hate you for being white.The College Republicans elected five executive board members, and the only woman was the secretary?To my roommate who is collecting all her gray hairs in a wig: You need a new pastime. Hey Lenoir: I know we’ve only known each other a year now, but I thought you would at least tell me when you make a major life decision like going down a cup size.Dear NCAA bracket: You may be the higher seed, but I pick the NIT.Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
(03/05/10 3:42am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainTo the kid in my geography class: Stop watching turtle porn!To the guy reading “Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life” while drinking a PBR at noon on the seventh floor of Davis: The world will never understand you.To the couple in the sixth floor Davis study room: That was some pretty naked studying.To the guy who is passed out in the UL: Your phone is ringing, again. And again. And again.To the guy in the Union dressed exactly like Waldo: I found you.Dear out-of-state students: It’s not spring until I say so. Love, North Carolina.Dear guy trying to pick me up in the library: It probably doesn’t help that you just Googled “How to make a girl fall in love in 30 days.”Why do anarchists spend so much time in men’s public bathroom stalls?To the two guys watching “Twilight” together on Saturday night: I saw you.Dear physics TA: Was it worth the extra five minutes to write your entire announcement on the board in bubble letters?To the booty call who didn’t respond: Screw you! Or not …To the guy who ran into a tree: If you drive anything like you walk, the “no texting” laws suddenly make a lot more sense.To the guy in Craige who stole our Cup Noodles from inside the microwave at 2 a.m. when we left for two minutes: You better watch your back.To the Lenoir swipe lady: Please refrain from reading that catalog of granny panties when I’m trying to think about breakfast.Sorry ladies, but fixing your hair in the mirror does not, in fact, count as washing your hands.To the boy who sleeps on the floor behind the lecture seats in SOCI 273: Resourceful, but still rude.To the person constantly updating their Facebook status: Maybe you would finish your paper in a timely manner if you didn’t constantly tell me you have just seven more pages every five minutes.To my chemistry lab partner: I may not have mastered the experimental procedure, but I have learned basic social skills.To the overly dramatic couple on the sixth floor of HJ: As enraptured as I am in The Days of Your Lives, can you pick days when I don’t have midterms and have time to make popcorn?To my suitemates: If you want to go balls to the wall, fine. Just make sure it’s not my wall. I have class in the morning.Send your one-to-two-sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
(02/26/10 4:13am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainDear rando Phil: It is not okay to sit with three sophomore girls and then bash their love of cheese sandwiches.Has any one seen my duck Petey? I may have left him on the P2P … To the guys flying around the corners of Cobb parking deck: This is NOT “Tokyo Drift.”To the girl in my COMM class who doesn’t know the difference between abstinence and obsolescence: I know what you didn’t do last night.Umm … did you really just answer your phone while on the toilet? And then put it on speaker?To the violinist in the Hill Hall practice rooms: I seriously thought you were a dial-up connection.Dear guy in Lenoir wearing pink and purple camouflage: Were you planning on hiding in a gay forest?To the guy Googling, “How to teleport into the future” in ANTH 319: I wish this class was over too.To the couple in the UL sharing an apple: Next time, please just buy two.To the girl who stopped an elevator full of people on the second floor of Hamilton: Calling yourself out on it as you enter the elevator does not make it okay.Dear Winter Olympics: Thanks for filling the void UNC basketball has left in my life.Dear A bus: You are always unpredictable and you come at all the wrong times … just like my boyfriend.To the girl walking in front of me singing Pocahontas: Can the “Colors of the Wind” blow you a little to the left so I can get around you? Was that snow or anthrax?Thursday’s DTH headline, “Wyher on Top Underwater,” sounds like the title of a kinky porn film.So the losing basketball team can get new uniforms, but I can’t get a certificate for making dean’s list because of budget cuts? Nice, UNC.Dear dude with the leopard-print umbrella: Seriously? It’s not even raining that hard.To the loud girls from my hall in Craige: I know UNC students are competitive, but that doesn’t mean you should go at it in “who’s louder during sex.”Dear roommate: Stop reading “New Moon” to your girlfriend over the phone. Listening to all of “Twilight” was bad enough.To the girl in the back row of GEOL 101 who incessantly complained to the assistant about not being able to see the board: Sit in the front, you idiot.
(02/19/10 5:33am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainWhat could be better than waking up to the sight, sound and smell of sewage seeping into my room twice in three days?Dear Alpine: It’s not your fault, but I just ate the wax paper.To the guys in my lab: Stop lying to yourselves. Your relationship has moved beyond a bromance.Dear suitemate: It’s sad that the highlight of my day is when I DON’T see you naked.To the dirty, old underwear on the sidewalk in front of Peabody: Where did you come from, and why are you still there?“What he lacks in girth, he makes up for in length” — Seriously, basketball announcer?To the girl on the phone in the Cabaret yelling out her symptoms: I’m no doctor, but I advise you to take a pregnancy test ASAP.To the girl who asked our chemistry professor if she would get an A in the class if she got a 100 on every exam: I don’t think you need to worry about perfect scores. You know it’s a great Valentine’s Day when you try to buy the $5 reject roses for yourself and Trader Joe’s rejects your credit card.To the girl with the purple coat, shoes and hair: Stop stealing my style. Love, Barney.Is it really a surprise that the guy in the dorm most obsessed with ChatRoulette has a pornstache?If half the people that kvetch about someone being so beautiful would just go up and actually say it, that New York Times article might have read very differently.DTH: You reject me more than the entire male gender ever has. Why must you demolish my self-esteem each Friday morning?To my chemistry TA: Could you grade as nicely as you look? To the boy wearing American-flag pants on Monday: Thank you for reminding us all of Presidents Day in your own unique way.To the girl at Rams Head putting ice cream in her to-go box: Really?Wow, DTH. Looks like Candice gives you a Woodcock judging from the size of the picture in last week’s paper.To the girl with the head lamp during the blackout: Were you just spelunking in your room?
(02/12/10 4:15am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainDearest Ira Glass: If we got married, we would have cute little journalist babies with glasses. Just saying.To the girl making out with the water fountain: Haven’t you heard of swine flu?Hey suitemate: I’m not high maintenance, but your pet orchid is.Dear guy in the seventh floor bathroom of Davis: Brushing your teeth? Are you serious?According to the New York Times article, since I’m female, the only person on this campus that I have a chance of doing is myself.You know it’s windy when you come outside to a rando’s pair of dirty underwear strewn across your windshield.To the Eminem wannabe in the Union: You might have the look down, but I hate to break it to you that we all know the words to “Lose Yourself.”To language 105-ers in SASB: Just because it’s not English doesn’t mean we can’t hear you.Dear puke on Stadium Drive I passed this morning: Oh, how I wish to remember if you are mine…To the freshman girl in the risers at the Dean Dome who didn’t know who Dean Smith was: I wish Roy had you escorted out for stupidity.To the butt-naked ginger boy who invaded our all-girls suite at 5:30 a.m. last Friday: What the hell were you on?Re: Hookup article in The New York Times — no wonder John Edwards moved here. He fits right in.To the New York Times journalist: Thanks for ruining the only thing some of us had going.To the girl I danced with last weekend: You change tempo way too many times when you dance.To the girl in my chemistry class with “think” tattooed above her butt crack: I did, and no thanks.To my next-door neighbor: I let you borrow my flex pass because of an “emergency in the bathroom” and 20 minutes later I hear you and some girl going at it next door. What the hell happened in that bathroom?To the UNC maintenance man who jumped away from the large squirrel on the stone wall in the quad: It’s okay, I think we’re all scared of them, too.Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
(02/05/10 4:45am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainIt took more time to deliver my sandwich than it did for the Titanic to sink. To my boyfriend and roommate: Can I not walk into my room without finding you on his back … on my bed? Dear roommate: If you are going to spend every waking moment in our room canoodling on the top bunk with your boyfriend, can you at least let me join in every once in a while?To the guy at the gym yelling “YOU CAN DO THIS!” to himself on the treadmill: Are you this vocal in bed? Dear Koury elevator: Every time I step into you, I feel I am risking death because Cherie Berry has not approved of you.To the automatic flushing toilets in Lenoir: I’m not done yet. I can’t even be mad the girl next to me is blaring “Defying Gravity” in the library because it is the Glee version … Mad respect.To the girl in the crowded hallway who ran into the trash can and insisted on turning around and cursing it out: I think we all know who won that fight. Dear rugby girl: Stop being so damn attractive. I am tired of questioning my sexuality for you.Dear Pit Stop girl: Stop being so attractive. You’re making me waste all my money.To the guy who stopped on Stadium Drive to fix his hair in a parked SUV’s back window with a pink hairbrush: Really?! To the girl on her phone in Davis: When you go under the table, we can all still hear you.To the girl with the Kim Possible ringtone in the library: You are awesome. Dear girl in my First Year Seminar: I can’t believe you’ve never seen/heard of Star Wars. We can no longer be friends.Dear roommate: I did not think that Pandora had bad music. Thank you for proving me wrong. Yo snow plowers! I’m really happy for you, and I’mma let you finish … No, seriously. Finish plowing the roads.To the Lenny Kravitz look-alike: How about you use the skateboard instead of using it as a prop to get groupies …stick to your guitar. To the builders of Dey Hall: You know a building is poorly constructed when you have to wait in line to get out.To the kvetcher who watches Lenoir employees: Why do you count how many times someone shakes it at a urinal?Dear John Grisham: I know you are a renowned and successful author, but in light of recent events, we would like to invite Snooki to be our graduation speaker instead.Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
(01/29/10 4:58am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainTo English majors that complain about having to take two math classes: I’m a chemistry major who needs 15 courses in social science and humanities. Live with it.Dear annoying whistler in Davis: Are you related to the Arboretum whistler?To the graduate students in Davis talking loudly about game theory while I am trying to study: My tuition pays you to talk during the recitation you fail to prepare for.To the girl saved in my phonebook as “drunk kelly:” Who are you!?To the Lenoir employee at the urinal: Four shakes is enough. Especially when you decide you don’t have time to wash your hands on the way back to work.Murphey: Why does your staircase always smell like a swimming pool?Dear Morrison: I don’t need to a see a picture of a three-foot-tall sperm to understand what condoms are used for.To Rams Head Dining Hall: Thanks for the food poisoning on Sunday. I’ve lost more weight eating with you than I have with my New Year’s resolution.To the UNC blackboards: Why won’t you erase properly?!To the girl at the Wake game who was uploading Facebook pictures of her dog from the student section: You are a disgrace to the Tar Heel name.To the mysterious boy who came to my floor looking for me and asked my roommate where I was: Who are you, what do you want, and why do you know where I live?To the girl who tricked the professor into typing in and pulling up a porn site in Mormonism class: Pervert.Dear girl with the long black socks in the Student Union: The State of the Union was great, but I stayed for the Republican response to talk to you.Kvetcher who commented on Obama’s lack of messiah status: Man, I wish I’d known this BEFORE I’d stopped my ritual animal sacrifices.Dear mysterious 80-year-old man in my first year seminar: Who ARE you, and why are you here?Just once I’d like to pick up the DTH and see: ‘Controversial Speaker Coming to Campus, Student Body Open-minded’ as a headline for an article.Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
(01/22/10 4:33am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainWho do I have to blow to get my kvetch chosen?To the girl in my psychology class: Typing with your pinky finger extended, does not make your typing “fancy.”To the guy in my POLI 432 class who came dangerously close to dislocating his shoulder in trying to get the professor to call on him: That’s why he didn’t.Wait, Obama’s not the Messiah?To the boy in JOMC 484: Screw graphic design. You’re the most visually appealing thing in this class.To the construction workers at the pharmacy school: Seriously, it took about one year to build the Empire State Building. It’s taken you TWO to fix our front yard?To the kid who peed in the Ehringhaus elevator: We liked it better when you snuck into our suite to use the urinal.To the girl who responded to the honors frat listserv asking, “So since it’s a fraternity, it’s only for guys?”: You obviously should be removed from the honors list.To the individual that locks up a shopping cart in front of Hinton James: You are a man amongst boys.Dear UNC fraternities: Thanks for helping my liver commit suicide. To my ex, who would rather play Farmville than make out: I hope your crops wither.Ehringhaus: There is something truly wrong with you when I see more bugs flying around in the basement than I do outside.Blow jobs? F-bomb? Thats right DTH, talk dirty to me.“Reda, who has killed more than 80 deer, says he has a love for animals” — Really DTH?UNC Marching Band: Playing the Rocky theme song, a classic underdog song, while a lower ranked team is attempting to upset us at home is not appropriate.To all female Facebookers: Just because you get “professional” pictures taken at Walmart does not make you a “professional” model.Really, Rams Head Recreation Center worker? You think it’s okay to change the music from classic rock to “Fireflies,” and then leave? I’m trying to work out here.To all campus computers: What do you mean you’re loading my personal settings? I don’t HAVE any personal settings.Dear John Edwards: I think you might be the father of my child. To the high school girl I danced with at the 80s dance at Cat’s Cradle: Don’t call your dad. I’ll give you a ride home.
(01/15/10 4:59am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainDear hipsters: Why do you pay so much money to look poor?To the P2P guy who was so drunk that he started hitting on himself in the mirror: Enough said. @UNCBasketballPlayers: A little less tweeting, a little more practice.DTH weather forecasters: 41 degrees and 21 degrees are well below “average,” much like your readership.My SOCI 101 class started with a reading about how terrible SOCI 101 classes are. This won’t end well.To the man-child next to me in the black loafers and white high socks on your Game Boy: You don’t have to pound the wall every time Pikachu dies.This no-texting-while-driving thing is really cramping my style. At least I can still pick my nose and drive.Dear Lenoir: After successfully sneaking into you for the first time this semester, all I want to do is sneak back out.To the person who left the unopened BSkis bag on the P2P Sunday evening: Thank you. You provided three friends some good midnight snacking.To the girl running up the down escalator in Lenoir: I’m sure the cookie was worth it.In response to the e-mail sent to students about updating registration info: Why would I need to update my ethnicity?Dear mystery hot girl from CHEM 102: You are so beautiful and so very, very stupid.To the worker at Top of Lenoir who pulled out a fat stack of cash and started counting it: Why are you still working there?Dear girl in the Union shamelessly eavesdropping on our conversation about kvetches: Congratulations, you’re in one.To the random guy in the cafeteria who aimed and pretended to shoot me with his banana: Thank you. I feel loved. Should I play dead now?To the beautiful, smart girl on the fourth floor of Davis: You are perfect. But please, stop eating Lunchables.
(12/04/09 5:05am)
Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
(11/24/09 4:34am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainTo the three girls who peed behind the light post at the Hojo P2P stop on Saturday night: It might shield you from the road, but the 10 floors of Hojo can still see you.To the people meowing outside my window last night: I was unaware UNC had changed its mascot to the kittens.To the guy who constantly sits behind me in the dining hall: It was a one time thing; let it go.To Student Congress: You know you’re useless when high school students are writing letters to the editor about how you need to get your act together.To the girl who bit my neck last Thursday night on the dance floor: I’m sorry you missed the midnight premiere of New Moon. Don’t take it out on me.Can anyone even remember the last weekend our basketball team lost and our football team won?To my suitemate: That was a UTI test strip, not a pregnancy test. You fail.To the exit stairs at Lenoir: You can quit your masquerade as an escalator. We’ve all seen you for what you really are.To the dude who stole the bike I found in the bushes last Thursday: Consider the new seat and $65 tune-up a gift from me to you.To the guy who grabbed five free condoms in the P2P: Leave some for the people who actually have a chance of having sex, please.To my TA, who is “not sure” where his office is and it is November: You should find out about that.The hundreds of girls in the Blank Canvas dance show were good. But the four extremely excited male dancers totally stole the show.To the girl sitting in front of me in BIOL 101 class, who uses MySpace instead of taking notes: I’m Twittering about you with the rest of the class.Dear FarmVille agriculturists: Congratulations, you’ve done nothing for the past two hours.Dear guy on HotRussianBrides.com at one of the computers in the UL: You’re trying my patience.Dear Chapel Hill Transit: The only thing you manage to do efficiently is waste a ton of my time.Dear roommate: Don’t ask me what I’ve been up to if you’re going to have headphones in your ears by the time I ask, “What about you?”To the girl in my accounting class who thought 75 minutes was shorter than an hour and 15 minutes: How did you get into UNC and are you sure accounting is in your professional future? Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
(11/13/09 4:42am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainDear Justin Wilcox: I saw you Saturday night in your basketball shorts at Qdoba. Don’t be afraid to look good.To all the guys participating in No-Shave November: Shave — or we’ll start participating, too. Love, the ladies of UNC.Dear twins: Can you two double team ME sometime? Thanks.To the Caldwell bathrooms: You make me wanna hold it.To the girl sitting in front of me in Psychology 101 who Googled “How to get pregnant”: I hear Bing has more reliable results.Who decided that Miley Cyrus was good warm-up music for the men’s basketball team?Dear foreign students in the UL: Just because you are speaking in a different language doesn’t mean we can’t hear you.Dear DTH: Thanks for Wednesday’s side of front page man-titty with my morning coffee. Preesh.Dear roomie: It’s time to trade in your low-rise jeans. I’ve seen your butt more than my own this semester.To the guy who peed right in front of my apartment’s door on Tuesday night: I always wanted a moat around my castle.I had to wait a full minute before I could send this kvetch in. Thanks, UNC Webmail team.Overheard in Union: “He is so Asian, but he also looks black. He is so gangsta!”Hey, Gossip Girls: Hate to break it to you, but sixth floor Davis is not, in fact, the Upper East Side — xoxo. Dear UNC groundskeepers: Day by day you vacuum away all my fall fun.Romeo: I know you’re deeply in love, but is it really necessary to nibble your girlfriend’s shoulder during the football game?To the girls who thought I was Anoop Desai and took a picture with me: Good thing you didn’t hear me sing.To the two girls walking on South Road: No one wants to know what you would do if given the opportunity to “tag-team” Roy Williams.To the girl who said she was surprised about a pimple because she doesn’t have asthma problems: How did you get into UNC?To the man sitting at a computer in the UL: Yes, everyone upstairs can see you picking your nose. Nooo! Don’t touch the mouse!To whoever left the glazed chocolate doughnuts in the UL: I hope you just forgot them and didn’t spike them with something, because I just ate them.To the freshman with the huge golf umbrella: Compensating much?Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
(11/06/09 3:55am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainTo Gary the Pit Preacher: I saw you walk out of the bathroom without washing your hands. That’s a sin. You’re going to hell.To the girl watching porn in corner of the UL: We all know that is not for your WMST class.Mark Kleinschmidt is kinda sexy.To the guy who abuses “that’s what she said” humor: You can’t expect me to get excited every time you whip it out.To the voice of the UL night announcements: I want to be your lover.Two things I hope to never see on Franklin Street for future Halloweens: Poor, innocent children under the age of four, and more importantly, adults with video cameras.To the girls who walked around the UL in their Halloween costumes at 11 p.m. telling people “Happy Thursday,” go get real majors.Dear DTH-reading students: Letters to the editor are just that — not the opinions of the DTH or even articles at all.To the whistling sound in the arboretum that has been echoing for the past two months: You confuse me. Do you come from a bird or a man?To Lenoir: I want to coast slowly toward and away from my food via escalator; why do you not understand this?To the girl in my English class who thinks that there are 52 states: PLEASE read a book.To the girl who put a lost ad in the DTH for her ONE Chaco: You probably deserve that.To the girl who said that “rock, paper, scissors” was not an original costume: I envy your creativity coming up with “slutty nurse.”I supported the Homecoming campaign that annoyed me the least this year. I didn’t vote. Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
(10/30/09 3:12am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainTo every student who composes kvetches in their mind all day, every day: You are not alone.Dear Bible study group: Thank you for monopolizing the study lounge and singing loudly so that none of us can use the room for what it’s meant to be used for. No, really, we appreciate it.To the girls who wear leggings without anything over them: The only camel toes we want to see are at the city zoo.Dear freshmen who think it’s really cool to argue with the Pit preacher for hours upon hours: It doesn’t make you a BAMF. It just makes you look more like a freshman. Dear T.J. Yates: I can’t decide which of the 20 kvetches I wrote about you last Thursday night to send in.To the international students: Welcome to America, the land where people walk on the right side of sidewalks.To my biology professor: Why can’t you be more like your colleagues in the communications department and inflate my grades?!To the middle-aged woman with graying hair who was skateboarding around the Pit: Can you be my mom?Hey, you! Yeah, you with the hat on. Do yourself a favor and take the sticker off your hat. No one cares what your hat size is. To the environmentalists: Just because you want to conserve water does not mean you should not flush the toilet.What’s with calling STDs STIs? Does it make you feel better that your herpes sores are still there but called something different?To every student who assumed that “the Yogurt Pump” was an elaborate phallic metaphor: Going to YoPo has nothing to do with raunchy sexual favors.Dear high school students on campus tours: You aren’t allowed to take up the entire sidewalk until you actually get accepted.Yo new Pit preacher, I’m really happy for you, and I’mma let you finish, but Gary Birdsong was the best Pit preacher of all time.To Tyler Zeller: Yes, I did see you trip over the bricks in front of Lenoir. Congratulations, you’re normal.I’m questioning Fabolous, too. Is this a fundraiser? Because I’ll pay to not see him.To the girl walking behind me singing “It’s Raining Men”: Have you seen the girl/guy ratio here?!Mysterious suitemate at Granville: Are you … alive?Why is it impossible to take an art class if you’re not an actual art major? So much for expanding our horizons, UNC curriculum office.Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
(10/21/09 3:28am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainTo the girl wearing a fur coat: Just because it’s below 60 degrees does not mean North Carolina suddenly became a part of Antarctica.Dear Blackboard: Can I please take a quiz on your site that actually works? … Just once … Please? … Thanks.Overheard at Morrison bus stop: “I’ll give you $20 to jump in front of the P2P.”If “your life is over” because you failed an honors chemistry exam, maybe you should stop doing the crossword puzzle now that we’re covering way harder material.To the guy who argued with me for 20 minutes about the definition of “analogy”: Forest is to trees as you are to stupidity.Dear Tyler Zeller: I love you. Every year at Late Night with Roy, you remind me that it’s okay to be a skinny white boy with no dance moves.To the Lenior managers: Instead of spying on the cereal eaters, pay attention to the brown lettuce on the salad bar.To the kvetcher hating on sorority girls wearing running shorts: It’s not a fashionstatement, it’s called exercising. You should try it sometime.Dear UNC maintenance: When you “fixed” the water in Teague, you gave the showers bipolar personalities. Now every time I shower, I wonder whether my shower is in the mood to scald me or turn me into an ice cube.To the suite next door: Don’t think I won’t throw another dictionary at the wall to shut you guys up at 3 a.m. on a school night.Dear traffic school people: You can’t be “excellent” drivers. You wouldn’t be here if you were!To the guy who walked me home last Friday: Goodbye is NOT code for stick your tongue down my throat.To the girl who wears a side pony everyday: Newsflash, it’s 2009.Gojo: Just because your soap foams doesn’t mean it’s an upgrade. Take back your vile smelling soap and bring back the pink slime!To the guy blasting his iPod in the bathroom stall next to mine: Your toe-tapping confuses me!To my professors: Thanks for e-mailing the class and telling us to have a relaxing fall break. It would have meant more had you not attached the study guide for our exam Tuesday after break.Since when did navy become a school color? How about wear Carolina blue on the sideline for a change?Dear singer/guitar player outside of Rams Head: Marry me please?Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
(10/16/09 4:01am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainTo the girl who is too loud on her phone: Just because Jeremy likes to hear you say his name 20 times in a baby voice doesn’t mean the rest of us do.A noise complaint at four in the afternoon on a Friday? Really? … Really?Dawg: The whole hall doesn’t want to listen to “The Real Slim Shady.” Close your door if you’re gonna crank that tired middle-school music so loud.Dear boy in my ECON class: Please stop being so attractive; you’re keeping me from learning anything. All I can think about is the different ways you can supply my demand.There are so many cockroaches in my room, I accidentally kill them and realize it afterwards. Yay for on-campus housing!To Marcus Ginyard blasting “Party in the USA” in your thugged-out Crown Vic: Really?To the guy in the stall next to me in the Union: Please ask before you borrow any of my toilet paper.I didn’t realize the first building at UNC was constructed no more than 20 years ago, DTH. This amount of progress must be unprecedented.To my roommate’s breath: PLEASE stop torturing me.To my whiny suitemate: At least I have pubes.EDUC 441 TA: Is your office hours clothing-optional?Hey DTH: I was going to kvetch about all the pointless tattoo articles you’ve been running recently … until you put a shirtless Marcus Ginyard on the front page. If the DTH is going to subject us to Marcus Ginyard half-naked, at least make it the other half.Dear braces: Thanks for making me look like I am still in middle school.To whoever spray-painted the dark mark on the side of Hamilton Hall: You are my new best friend.Dear WMST 101 professor: If you want us to use inclusive and politically correct language, please stop referring to Caucasians as “white folk” in your lectures.To the girl with the Kate Gosselin haircut: Not okay.To my suitemate who came in wasted, crying, and yelling “Don’t remember me like this!”: How can I not?To the people of Morrison who put condoms on the doorknobs of almost three floors: It’s nice to know I’m not the only one not getting any action. To the DTH: Why all the shirtless men? I thought we believed in sexual equality.Zeller, you were two feet away and you missed throwing your trash away. Dunk it next time, or you’re getting benched.Dear sorority girls, stop wearing running shorts as a fashion statement. Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
(10/02/09 4:22am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainTo whoever sent the e-mail to the seniors’ listserv and said N.C. was “2ndth” in the competition for getting new books: Maybe we should donate them to you instead.Dear football players: Why is it that I see you at almost every party, but at the football games you don’t show up?UNC: We don’t want a Wendy’s. We gottawannaneedagetahavea Bojangles’!To the suitemate who always listens to classical music: Your sophistication can get really annoying at 3 a.m.If you’re a sophomore and still replying to listservs saying, “Take me off this listserv,” your admission to Carolina should be revoked.Dear guy handing out socialist propaganda in the Pit: Don’t you find it ironic that your papers weren’t free?Dear automatically flushing toilets at Rams Head: I’m not done yet. No, still not done. Nope, still not — seriously now, stop it.To the ginger dude that works morning shift at the post office: SMILE. Your life can’t be that bad.Dear freshman (I hope): That “big square thing” you are talking about is more commonly called the quad. Please use that name from now on.Dear couple making out at Top of Lenior on Thursday at 12:15 p.m.: The study rooms on the 8th floor of Davis have a more romantic atmosphere.No, kid next to me that missed what the teacher said because you and your girlfriend were just tickling each other in a lecture hall, I will not let you copy my notes from the past few minutes.To the cute boy on my hall: Quit undressing me with your eyes. I know you have a girlfriend.Dear Blackboard: Why are you so needy and force me to close all my browsers JUST to logout? Next, are you going to start sending me e-mails asking me why I haven’t said “I love you” yet?Guy selling magazines: Lacking extra money to spend doesn’t make me a jerk. If you want to go to Spain that badly, get a real job.It may be getting chilly outside but 65 degrees does not mean its time to break out the Uggs. I thought I saw a mouse in the bathroom, but it was just a girl kicking a huge hair clump from out of the shower.To the two guys on the Robertson bus: 1) Yes, they do speak Greek in Greece, and 2) just because you like Lebanese food does not mean that you are qualified to study abroad.To the kid picking his nose in the front of the class: We can all see it when you eat them.Send your one-to-two sentence entries to editdesk@unc.edu, subject line ‘kvetch.’
(09/25/09 3:23am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complain.Hey Wilcox: Why don’t you try “natural male enhancement” pills for a bit while I mull over the so-called “natural female enhancement” of heels and make-up?To my girlfriend: When I said, “dinner on me,” I meant I’d pay for our meal; it was NOT a cue for you to send me texts about eating food off my body.C-TOPS should offer a session for incoming freshmen on “Proper Use and Abuse of UNC Listservs.”Five arrested Greeks = five fewer teal shirts in the stands Saturday. Thanks, Chapel Hill Police!Dear girl I ran screaming at: I am sorry. You are obviously not the person the scream and hug were meant for. Please don’t drop out.To the guy who licked his Zone Bar wrapper in class for a good five minutes on Tuesday: I think you got it all.Teriyaki chicken with fried rice is Native American? Really, Lenoir?To the white boy in the inappropriately short chino shorts and the pastel colored oxford: Not you, the other one … Oh no, wait … There are a THOUSAND of you.Really, gay pride. A unicorn? Why not a dragon? At least that fake animal is FIERCE!Is it possible for someone hot and awesome to be asexual? And if so, why, God, why?!ENST 202 professor: I have no idea what you’re lecturing about — just take your clothes off already. Send your one-to-two sentence entries to dthedit@gmail.come, subject line ‘kvetch.’
(09/18/09 3:12am)
kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complainDear boyfriend’s friend: I DO NOT HAVE SWINE FLU! But it would be worth getting just to give it to you.To the guy listening to “The Lion King” soundtrack in the UL at 1 a.m.: The hyenas weren’t the only ones laughing.Wait, Greek kids using cocaine? Who ever would have guessed?Sophomore in my running class: We don’t want to know which girl you want to give you oral sex.Hey, your Chacos make your cankles stand out.Dear Jasmin Jones: I want to be the Marilyn Monroe to your JFK.To the boy in my lab jamming out to Hannah Montana with your headphones in: We could all hear.To every boring, unoriginal person whose kvetch looks like this: I hate you.To the freshman who hated on condom access on the DTH opinion page: Enjoy your eternal virginity! I’ll be having safe, consensual sex and, no, you can’t watch.Why are all the attractive people communists?Dear girl in McDonald’s parking lot: It’s okay, I urinated there too.To the sorority girl who was offended that the ambulance didn’t give you the right of way: You’re stupid.To my roommate who asked for condoms after I told her I was Catholic: It’s a shame you’re too blonde to understand the irony.To the girl who pronounced H1N1 the “hiney” flu: I hope you get it.To the girl complaining about fraternity hickies: If you don’t want a souvenir, then don’t ask to see the gift shop.To the Davis Library doors: please decide if you’re automatic or not. I look like a fool every time I approach you.To the girl vigorously stabbing your notebook with your pencil in Davis while you’re surrounded by people trying to study: WTF?!?To the white girl in the v-neck tee and Carolina blue running shorts: Not you, the other one … Oh no, wait … There are a THOUSAND of you.Hey, DTH and Kvetchers: I’m straight on fire, yo!!To the men of Rams Head Rec: As much as I love basketball, shirts versus skins games should be for those under 60. Sincerely, Indoor Track Runner.For a campus full of virgins, there certainly are a lot of letters to the editor about sex.To the guy playing World of Warcraft in Chem 261: I will take my organic friends over your magical ones. Where will that priest be when you’re studying for our exam?Send your one-to-two sentence entries to editdesk@unc.edu, subject line ‘kvetch.’