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The Daily Tar Heel

You may need to rethink that DTR

Oh, the DTR, or “define-the-relationship”: A watershed moment for many couples. Some take it on immediately after starting to date; some let it float nebulously for months.

Are we casual or serious? Friends or more than friends? Monogamous or not? Establishing these rules is crucial to assessing and reducing one’s risk of STI transmission, and according to a recent study, we aren’t always on the same page.

In the upcoming issue of the Journal of Sex Research, Jocelyn Warren and her colleagues at Oregon State University looked at interviews from 434 heterosexual couples about monogamy. That is, the agreement to not get sexually involved with anyone else besides the partner. These couples each consisted of a female 18-25 years old and a male over 18.

Just over half of the couples reported that they had discussed and chosen to be monogamous.

But a third of the couples gave different answers on whether they had even discussed monogamy, and 40 percent of those disagreed on whether they had decided to be monogamous.

If a couple did decide to be monogamous, did each member of the couple keep that promise? Fifty-five percent disagreed on whether the male had kept it, and 50 percent disagreed on whether the female had.

Interestingly, the couples who were married were not significantly more likely to have made an explicit monogamy agreement, but couples with children were less than half as likely to have done so.

These findings confirm previous studies in 2004 and 2006 showing that many couples have not discussed monogamy or, at least, do not agree if they had.

What are some possible reasons? Some couples might be hesitant to bring up monogamy as part of a larger communication about sex and sexual health; others might be avoiding the discussion in order to avoid defining the relationship on that front. One person might be assuming monogamy based on time or relationship status; another might have interpreted a conversation differently.

Not only can these discordant assumptions damage trust and create conflicts down the line, they also can affect the couple’s sexual health risks.

Prior research shows that condom usage is more likely in new or casual relationships, but it tends to decline over time as a relationship gets more serious. This can be expected since condom usage might be considered a lack of trust or lack of love between the partners.

However, if a couple is not monogamous or not clear about when they stop using condoms, either of them could be at a higher risk for STI transmission.

If you are considering sex without condoms with your partner, consider having a direct talk about monogamy as well, even if it seems silly or embarrassing. Even though you may find that monogamy is not right for you or your partner, it is still an effective method of reducing your STI risk, and at least you talked about it.

Just ask them, “Can we DTR before we’re DTF? I read it in the DTH.”

Perry Tsai is a sexual health columnist for the Daily Tar Heel. He is a second year medical student from New Orleans, LA. Contact him at perrytsai@gmail.com.

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