Private Musings Reveal Mysteries of Male Culture

One travels life's chaotic road in a search intended for clarity of mind. Often, society questions much of what the sexes contribute to one another.

Collective collaboration on such a topic has propelled me to comment on the existence and pupose of the "guy." Because I have humbly been granted guy status by the powers that be (don't ask who they are), attempts will be made in efforts to seep through the endless mounds of a man's psyche.

Because I'm a guy, I wonder often and ask myself critical delving questions pertaining to the mystery of women, such as: Would the main cause of men's lying be the fact that women insist on asking too many questions? Is the reason God created man before woman was simply because you always create a draft before the final masterpiece? Why is it that most of women's problems start with men? (MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal anguish, etc.)

Because I'm a guy, there will be instances where I look forward to me and my Maxim in the apartment "office" and be left to my salubrious and bodacious thoughts.

There, the atmosphere encourages grand thought and personal evaluation. There, I aim to better myself. Thus, think of personal time in my "quarters" as a selfless act, working diligently to give you the man you truly deserve.

Because I'm a guy, I inevitably will love my mother unconditionally. Ladies, you will have to share me with the first woman in my life. Sorry, but Mom still has my nursery school art on the wall - now if that's not love, tell me what is.

Because I'm a guy, when a cold consumes my being, I need someone, preferably someone with a supple complexion and a comfortable smile, to bring me soup and warm my heart while I lie in grief and physical misery. Rub my back, soothe my tummy and love me in my weak state.

I don't need diamonds, I don't need chocolate. Receiving love when most vulnerable is the way to my heart.

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "One more round," and not mean it every single time I say it. There's a perfectly good reason why I started the night socially verbose, and ended the evening (morning) using a bar stool as a futon and covering Billy Idol.

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. (Except for "Good Will Hunting" and "Braveheart" - those are two givens.) It's not like guys don't have emotions. It's just, well, an unknown fact is that all young boys are sat down by their fathers and told explicitly, "I had a son, thus you will be a son. Therefore, you should roll in the mud, break Mom's china and wrestle on the furniture, and I won't yell at you. But in return, you must not cry." This speech comes right after don't pee in the bed and right before the importance and necessity of broccoli.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Billy Joel or The Doors come on, and then point out that Billy is from the North and Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating because I know you do.

NHSYNC (and the Mets) sank to the abysmal pit of society when they appeared on the Shea Stadium stageduring the World Series. As does crying, boy bands do not belong in baseball.

I contemplate daily where boy bands actually do belong.

(The true New York team finished atop the world once again in 2000. The Tomahawk-waving fans who consume the Carolina campus have to realize that the North has risen once again against the noble forces of Dixie land.)

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy, I still hopelessly wish my parents found family ties to Gotti or Vito Corleone. I, and most of my peers, are convinced there are mob links somewhere along my heritage. Attribute it to a mild dosage of testosterone or a constant fascination with organized crime, but Hoffa and most men covet chrome suits and white-on-white ensembles.

Because I'm a guy, the female persuasion seems to occupy much of personal intellectual creativity.

As many of my cronies have pointed out numerous times (Smouse), I have a tendency to dominate bi-gender conversations with shallow lines and hackneyed phrases.

Well, consider me born again, and to all the hopeless guys out there, stay away from the blistering gibberish. Even if you are genuinely curious about a girl's appearance, don't bother commenting because, inevitably, you'll get the red flags of denial. Create an aura that attracts as well as appeals. Drop the lines and enjoy the euphoric perfume.

Sipping on some Syzzurp and stay in school and don't do drugs. Rock the vote 2000: Lieberman for Pres.

Jon Hoffman is a sophomore political science and history major from Stamford, Conn. who ponders if Adam had the first one-liner and if Eve actually was flattered. Send love or comments to him at jthoff@email.unc.edu.