Fear Bombing That Big Test? Try Jungle Sex

On Friday, students, faculty and staff had to be evacuated out of the building after an unidentified caller phoned in a bomb threat. Some speculated that the stunt was a tactic to cancel a test in a Computers 4 class.

Item One is commending University police for their quick response. The way I figure it, computer science majors are the only kids smart enough to build a bomb, so there was definitely a chance this thing was for real.

Maj. Jeff McCracken said he had heard of other instances on college campuses where bomb threats were used to cancel classes. And it makes sense - a bomb threat is a surefire way to get out of class. I'm surprised it hasn't happened before.

McCracken and company have not caught the caller. I wonder if they know that a quick *69 would have cracked the case. Regardless, kudos to the gang for taking it seriously and acting fast.

But I have several problems with this bomb threat nonsense.

First, these kids were trying to get out of a COMP 4 test. Not COMP 395 or something hard in the three-digits. COMP 4.

That's just plain weak.

Second, only comp majors would try pulling a stunt like this. They are the only ones smart enough to mastermind something so ridiculous, clever and simple.

Nobody ever goes to extremes to get out of their English 10 midterm.

I'm sure these characters just freaked out due to stress, but bomb threats are not the answer. Try to be more creative.

In April 1997, a second-year law student buckled under academic pressures, too. He decided to take the less hugs, more drugs approach.

Barry Michael Berman walked into his law class about 15 minutes late and began playing with a pipe chock full of weed. Moments later, homeslice whipped out the lighter and started smoking right in the middle of lecture. Berman continued to smoke and only quit when the dean came into the classroom and had him removed.

Berman's response: "I lost it, man," he said. "That's all I can tell you."

Now that is hysterical.

Mo Nathan, our student body president-elect at the time, said the pot incident could only remind us what a stressful place UNC can be and said stress sometimes could lead to poor decisions.

Enter bomb threat.

Instead of endangering lives and getting in serious trouble, allow me to make a few suggestions to those comp kids the next time they get tricked out over an exam.

The young scholars could take a cue from their COMP 120 pals and just cheat off each other. (Risk: You could get caught and have to go to the Honor Court. You could also be innocent and go to the Honor Court.)

Or students could bring a boom box to class and blare The Gap Band's "You Dropped the Bomb on Me." Put that bad boy on repeat, and I guarantee they'll evacuate the building. (Risk: None. For those really hung up on the bomb thing, this is a great compromise.)

And lastly, when in doubt, whip out a blunt and go to town. (Risk: Could be arrested and charged with misdemeanors. And that kind of thing can really harsh your mellow.)

Bombs blow, and this incident only serves to heighten administrators' concern about a similar stunt in the future. Sitterson kids beware: Careless use of the fun phrase "bomb-diggity" while in the building could mean trouble. Also, yelling "Bomb's away!" when throwing water balloons off the Sitterson roof could land you in the clink.

Hang in there, COMP 4 kids. Winter Break is around the corner, and soon you'll be able to cut loose and relax.

Until then, when it starts to get to be too much, just repeat the mantra I use to keep myself in check.

Jungle sex, not bomb threats.

Columnist Ashley Stephenson can be reached at ashley21@email.unc.edu.