I am glad to see the campus up in arms this week over ladybugs.
It's not too often you see a campus mobilize and unite behind one cause, all members' voices blending to create one piercing cry for justice that cannot be ignored.
And let me assure you, that call will be answered.
As a former on-campus resident (Cobb represents), I can identify with the pain, indignation and outright fear y'all are experiencing. I have gone through this with you. And it's going to be OK.
We're going to beat these bugs - together.
The jokers in the Department of Housing have obviously not recognized the gravity of this situation.
Al Calarco, associate director of housing and residential education, wrote off the ladybug situation quickly when he spoke with The Daily Tar Heel.
"It is a pretty simple thing to solve," he said.
"In the scope of things, I don't see this issue as being a real problem."
Simple to solve?
Not a real problem?
Last time I checked, Mr. Calarco wasn't set up in Hinton James on the bottom bunk trying to ignore his roommate masturbating up top. Calarco and company do not have to deal with this situation head-on. They don't have to deal with the onslaught of insects. Oh no, these characters go back to uninfested homes where they don't have to worry that ladybugs might crawl in their ears and eat their brains while they slumber.
Sure, they've provided "special" vacuums to help students dispose of the beasts, but I'm suspicious. I've been here five years, and I've never heard of this "special" ladybug vacuum.
The good news is this: At least it's just ladybugs. It could have been tarantulas or cocker spaniels.
But don't be fooled.
Ladybugs are dangerous. Ladybugs are a threat.
These bad boys carry diseases. And don't think that doesn't include sexually transmitted diseases. The next time you let one crawl on your finger while you coo like a pigeon remarking how cute said ladybug is, just keep in mind that you have probably just contracted syphilis or gonorrhea.
Plus, these things are tiny. They could easily sneak into several of your crevices undetected, all the while mating and reproducing.
Lastly, they can really crawl into your ears and eat your brains - it all went down on Star Trek.
But here's the thing: Ladybugs appear harmless and friendly. They aren't like roaches or ants that are easy to kill because we have identified them as the enemy.
Ladybugs are tricky.
There are pictures of ladybugs on children's clothes and toys.
So here are a few ways to clear your conscience before you ground out these pests under your shoe:
Ladybugs are red, and so are communists. Stomp away.
Rodney Dangerfield made a movie called "Ladybugs," which chronicles the trials and tribulations of a young boy who cross dresses to play on a girls' soccer team.
If that isn't a crime, I don't know what is.
UNC isn't perfect, gang. We are a campus in turmoil and on the brink of huge changes.
We deal with issues like grade inflation, racial tension, tuition hikes, Master Plan construction and faculty salaries - to name a few.
Meanwhile, bigwigs are making decisions without our say. Student voices aren't being heard.
But in the midst of all this chaos, y'all are worrying about ladybugs in your rooms.
You have targeted a serious problem at this University. I applaud you and your priorities. You have finally gotten hyped.
And with everything as it should be, I'm renting that "Ladybugs" movie, stat.
Columnist Ashley Stephenson can be reached at email@example.com.