Another Happy Halloween has come to an end. I can only hope that you ate enough candy to make yourself sick and that you sported something wild, outrageous or skimpy. But for two people, Halloween isn't over yet because they'll still be pretending next Tuesday to be someone they're not.
So now that you're all going to vote, I feel it's my civic duty to help you plow through the mud of the presidential candidates on this historic occasion.
The "choices" at the beginning of this year were a lot of interesting people who didn't have enough money or famous relatives even to be considered (because God forbid we should have a president who wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth). With the choices now, it's like choosing between a fraternity brother and a brown-noser.
Before I go on about this year's election, I think it's important to look at the gentlemen who carried this nation through its 200-plus years of democracy to help determine what type of leader we need for the present. Thomas Jefferson reminds us of the prominence of hypocrisy. The man who said "all men are created equal" was a slave owner.
It's too bad we can't go back in time. Maybe we could have taught Jefferson more about the meaning of equality, and who knows what politically incorrect conversation could've taken place between Sally Hemmings and Monica Lewinsky.
Moving on, we have good ol' Andrew Jackson, who spent his life fighting "those people" off "his" land. Surely the new Sacajawea dollar coin now in circulation will rectify Jackson's tragic actions, which led to the Trail of Tears.
Nixon got a big fat tap on the hand for tapping phones. But William Jefferson Clinton is the Mack Daddy of them all. Smiling and playing his saxophone into the White House, he told us, "If I could've inhaled, I would have."
Let's face it, we're one of the most desensitized nations in the world, and the Clinton scandal provided the news media with something to write about that people would actually read. It also provided drama better than "The Young and the Restless" with its stained dresses, recorded conversations and old fogies trying to oust our valiant love machine, Bill Clinton.
From these men, we've learned to be sly, lie if we have to, have sex with anyone but our spouse and infiltrate others' secret information. Because the next president will have to be something like a morph of a cartoon superhero and a VH1 fashion model, I'm just happy that the "contestants" are more preoccupied powdering their noses rather than repeating the political follies and tragedies of the past.
