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The Daily Tar Heel

Tar Heels: Let the Ballin' Begin

The basketball season is coming up and folks are starting to get hype. So to the UNC ballers:

Just win baby!

I want to get my party on again this March. The tourney last year was lovely and Chapel Hill was the hot spot.

Whaaaattttt'sssss uuuuppp???!!!!!

Drinking a Bud. Watching Carolina spank Mizzou, Stanford, Tennessee, and Tulsa.


I'm looking for y'all ballers to whip Dook this season. Beat 'em silly. The Dean Dome, Cameron Indoor, ACC Tournament, the parking lot - it's all good.

Make sure one of those Dookies has a little "accident."

It's too easy to hate Dook. I hit 15-501 to 751, and I always catch beef with some punk that pushes a mean SUV with Jersey tags.

At the University of New Jersey at Durham, everybody's always studying, the parties are horrible and the girls are whack.

I've got to give Coach Kwrzysbtyretryi credit. He does a masterful job of recruiting.

Only at Dook could Shane Battier, Christian Laetner, Danny Ferry, Wojo and Mike Dunleavy fit in.

Carolina ballers, how about giving Shane a real reason to flop. If Battier is chillin' trying to draw a charge, just run him over. Give the rock to Julius. Fresh off of football season, he'll know what to do.

Don't let that Dunleavy kid go off. For some strange reason, Junior hit a nasty reverse in the Dean Dome last year. Mike looks like he's 7 years old and should get punished every time he holds the pill. Put a target on #34, and the lightweight won't even want to get near the ball.

Enough about Dook.

Please play well enough to shut up Dick Vitale. I can just hear him pulling for the other squad in Charlottesville, College Park or Tallahassee:

"He's awesome. He's sooper. Up, up, and away. The diaper dandy babeeee . Slam Jam Bam . Oh-Oh the Trifecta."

I'll leave Dicky V. alone for now .

Why does such a big-time program have such little ambiance?

Too many students are in the cheap seats. I can't even get rowdy because I can't see anything.

From the upper deck, I'll need binoculars to see the 7-foot-5-inch Fingleton.

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Everybody knows the Dean Dome is weak.

Stackhouse, McInnis, Vince, Calabria, Donald Williams, Wallace or Jamison could regulate for an entire game and the crowd would still be chillin'.

Fans need to step up. This ain't the Kemper Open, so stop golf clapping.

People out here are too spoiled and too fair-weather. Last season showed me how fake people are. The same people that boo and criticize the squad were the same people sweatin' the ballers during The Dance.

How can you hop on the wagon like that? Be down from the start and through the rough times or don't be down at all.

Coach Doherty, what's shakin'? The pressure is on and your every move is open to criticism. Your substitutions, clock management, eating habits and attire are all going to be second-guessed.

As for the players, I've got to start at the center. That means you Brendan. I see that you take a lot of heat out there, and I feel for you.

Don't sweat it.

Just do your thing. Finish strong and they can't stop you.

Lang, what's up? I hope you'll be 100 percent this season. That jump hook is deadly. We can make the scorekeeper's job a bit easier this year. As soon as the Heels feed the ball into you on the block, Mr. Scorekeeper can tack on two. 'Cause it's automatic.

Give 'em the hook!

Capel - you say you're the leader, so you better step up. Without the New York point guard, you're going to have the basketball in your hands a little more. Stay on point with the buckets, the D and the boards.

You should be good though. Because the coaches' son always has the fundamentals.

Joe Forte - you 'da man. Similar to Capel, with Cota gone, you're gonna have to handle that rock more, so the pat better be nice. Show 'em what Stevie Franchise and Chuck taught you at Kenner. Throw in some D.C. flair, because the opposition isn't ready for a hands-up or a stiff leg.

Too bad that Jason Parker is hoopin' with your boy from Dematha - Bogans at Kentucky. The inside-outside threat would have been insane with Haywood and Parker down low and you spotting up behind the arc.

Who's running the point this year? Does Holmes got it or not? What's Boone working with?

Number 31, you better show me something! Get the ball and push that thing. After you get hit with the outlet, I expect no less than a right to left crossover, hesitation, behind the back, head fake, through the legs, coast to coast finger roll plus the foul.

Count it and one, dog.

Without Ed, the PGs got some huge Carolina Blue kicks to fill.

Julius Peppers, you know I couldn't forget about you. The no layup rule is in effect. If anybody's in the paint - tackle him. Pretend he's Chris Weinke. Hit the boards and score some points while patrolling the block.

Let that marinate.

Peace to everybody touched by the Carolina Program. Handle your business so UNC can be the only team still Perculatin', working the Running Man, the Cabbage Patch and the Roger Rabbit in March.

Just win baby!

Tee Pruitt, I want front row center. Have your people call my people and we'll do lunch. Hit me at

Special Print Edition
The Daily Tar Heel's 2023 Year in Review Issue