I'm not sure if you've been paying any attention to the other columnists, but if you have, you'd know that everyone's getting all sorts of sappy and sentimental, all, "Let me tell you what I've learned and how I've grown from this experience" and all that kind of touchy-feely mookiestinks.
Well, I'm not about to subject you kind folks to that garbage, not because I'm above it, but more because I did it last semester. I've earned all the "He's such a sweetie" points I need for now, so instead I plan on hittin' you off with a little knowledge you can use.
First off, the most important thing you'll learn in your four (or five) years at Carolina is this: make connections. Make lots and lots of connections. The people you meet here are your key to success. And organize your connections into a handy flow chart, so you know exactly where to turn when it's 3 a.m. and you're fresh out of trees. Oh, and maybe you can use these people for jobs or something, too. Whatever.
Secondly, the library is one of the most valuable resources you have at your disposal. Use it. You'd be amazed at the treasures that lie buried within its deep corridors. If you're really good, you can steal upwards of 10 backpacks a night. If there's no money in them, you can at least sell the textbooks back to the bookstores for a quick profit and a coupon for a free pizza.
But seriously, besides thievery, the library can also be a useful tool in the other important aspect of college life - scoring some ass. Don't just plop yourself down at some tiny desk on the fifth floor. Head straight to the second-floor tables, scope out the area, and find a spot next to the cutie who looks like she's been studying for the last 94 hours. Those are the ones to target, because at that point, they're so exhausted and fun-deprived that a promise of 45 seconds of pure pleasure and a slap on the ass sounds enticing.
On a related note, the dog pound is a friggin' untapped gold mine. Head on down, pick up a bunch of adorable little puppies, take them out to the quad for a few weeks in spring, and score some easy numbers. When you've exhausted your leads, simply head to Franklin Street dressed like a post office-front flunkie and sell the little rejects for $15 a pop.
Next, you need to familiarize yourself with four little words that will ensure a long and prosperous career here at good ol' UNC - '80s Night at Bub's. Bub O'Malley's on a Tuesday night is not just a guaranteed night of drunken debauchery, it's also the only time you can hear "The Land Down Under," "Safety Dance" and "Pour Some Sugar on Me" all in one sitting.
Point being, along with alcohol, crappy music and your fair share of dirty old men with ratty beards and smoky army jackets, Bub's is also chock full of girls who think they are too good for the Treehouse crowd, but lack the confidence to try their luck at the luxurious, upscale P.D.C. And you can buy them drinks for just $2. That's five girls you can hit on for cost of 2 1/2 minutes of phone sex. I'm no econ major, but my roommate is, and he assures me that's quite a steal. (Plus, it's usually crazy enough at the bar that you can steal tips with ease. It's like Cube said, "Life ain't nuthin' but bitches and money.")
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, this fine University affords us the chance to view one of the most glorious sights on the entire planet. Far more impressive than sunrise at the Grand Canyon or sunset over the ocean in Key West, with the mere swipe of a UNC ONE Card, UNC students have access to a breathtaking spectacle. Yes, I am referring to Ramses XXVII's nards. God bless that ram and his magnificent sac!
