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The Daily Tar Heel

Letters From the Hard Drive's Edge

Have you ever seen those little pocket-sized calendars that only a complete dork would have?

Well, I was looking through mine last night, and I realized that, amazingly, it's already the first of December.

In addition to being the beginning of a new month, today also is the second-to-last Friday of the semester. Thus, this is my second-to-last column. Ever.

(Insert unrestrained, campuswide displays of joy.)

OK, settle down.

Really. Stop it now.

Geez. Anyway, I've been having a great deal of trouble with my computer lately. It's operating about half as quickly as it should, and it's constantly freezing and jamming and shutting down. I called Academic Technology & Networks for some help, but they were still too busy wetting their pants over the server crashing during registration.

So, I asked my good friend Darrel for some help. He suggested that I free up some space on the ol' hard drive by deleting any unnecessary files I might have.

Like Pac-Man. And everything from Business 24.

Deleting old files is actually a pretty stressful task, because as you're doing it, you're wondering if you just erased something that you might wind up needing in the future.

I mean, who's to say the limerick I wrote in third grade wouldn't look good on a law school application?

I guess we'll never know. I just deleted it.

Anyway, in cleaning out my computer, I ran across a couple of letters I wrote this semester, some of which I thought you might find interesting. Read them now, because after today, they're gone.

* * *

ATTN: The Area Director in Connor Residence Hall.

Dear Ms. Area Director,

I am well aware that in sending you this letter, I am certainly going out on a limb, assuming you are literate and have a solid grasp of the English language. If, as I suspect, you are unable to decipher the big words and phrases in this letter, maybe you can find a little kid to read it to you.

In case you don't remember me, I'm the guy you made stand out in the cold for three freaking hours Sunday morning, because, as you so elegantly put it, "The dorms don't technically open until 12 o'clock on the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and I'm not letting you in until 12 o'clock."

Well, Ms. Area Director in Connor, I just wanted to let you know that I thoroughly dislike you.

The funny thing is, after telling this story to some kids in Connor, it became pretty clear that I am not the only person who doesn't like you.

In fact, it seems to be the case that the vast majority of Connor Residence Hall residents - including all four resident assistants - absolutely hate your guts.

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Have a great day.

* * *

ATTN: Dick Baddour

Dear Director of Athletics Baddour,

Frankly sir, this just hasn't been a great year for you. First you lost Roy Williams. Then you muff the Beamer deal. I'm beginning to think you couldn't catch a coach with one of those giant nets they drag behind tuna boats (which, by the way, I'm not endorsing, because they are not dolphin-friendly).

Mr. Baddour, it's not that you're not trying, and it's not that you're not hustling. It's just that lately . you're just not good.

Have a great day.

* * *

ATTN: Santa

Dear Santa,

First of all, let me thank you for the John Denver CD and cool earmuffs you got me last year. Those are truly gifts that keep on giving.

Now listen up, fat boy. I'm sick and tired of earmuffs and bubble gum and wooden horses. If you don't show up on Christmas Eve with a lifetime subscription to Maxim and an anatomically correct Faith Hill action figure, I'm going to beat your jolly ass with a candy cane.

And don't even think about going to the cops with this. I know where you live. If you tell anyone, I start knocking off an elf per day and eating reindeer burgers.

Have a great day.

* * *

ATTN: U. S. Supreme Court

Dear Justices,

I understand that you guys will be hearing arguments regarding this year's presidential election. As I am sure you are all aware, the court now finds itself in a no-win situation. It makes no difference how you decide. Either way, you're going to piss off about 48 percent of the population.

Thus, might I make the following suggestion: Declare the United States to be under martial law, and make me lifetime dictator.

Rest assured, I am fully qualified to exercise unconditional rule over this nation.

I will make sure that the Area Director in Connor is jailed for life, with no chance for parole. I will replace Athletics Director Baddour with someone who can actually close a deal. I will put St. Nick on probation, with the full understanding that if he ever gives a pair of earmuffs to another good little boy, he's going to watch his reindeer roasting on an open fire.

Have a great day.

Joe Monaco is a junior journalism and

mass communication and political science major from Long Island, N.Y., who thinks that

Faith Hill should be our next football coach.

E-mail him with pictures of Faith at

Special Print Edition
The Daily Tar Heel Victory Paper for November 20, 2023