We Can't Let Microsoft Stop All of Our Fun

Now, to those of you who don't fully comprehend the influence Microsoft has on the world's hardware, software and media industries, it's imperative you read on to see that our rights are being threatened.

You may ask (and rightly so) what rights are these, Josh?

Well, experts in the world of technology spit-off nerd lingo like "icon placement" and "software tying."

Save the geek-speak, I'm going to be up front with you. Microsoft is taking porn and MP3s away -- maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but in the near future, and Hollywood is loving it!

Needless to say, given my predilection for porn and porn music, I won't take this one sitting down, and you shouldn't either.

But, before I get into that, it's important that we see similarities between the recent abrogation of "Clintonian" antitrust policy and the brave new world of Bush policy -- one that pays no heed to our beloved Sherman Act.

It brings back fond memories of Ronald Reagan's handling of the IBM monopoly in 1982 (and I think we all know how well that turned out as indicated by the quality of our damned Carolina Computing Initiative laptops).

With the upcoming wrath of Windows XP upon us (Bill Gates has vowed to spend $1 billion on advertising alone) it will soon be revealed just how bad Microsoft is squeezing our balls and who's very happy about it.

Windows XP is on the war path to rid our computers of our beloved MP3s.

In particular, those copyrighted music tracks we've accumulated over the years via high-speed Internet access courtesy of our University.

Yeah, I know it's copyrighted material -- but I think we all can agree after seeing Jay-Z's house on "MTV Cribs" that these guys ain't exactly hurting.

On top of that, it's usually not even the artists (metaphorical whores) who benefit from increased record sales but rather those damn recording industry execs who are big pimping.

So, what's has happened is interesting.

Hollywood and PC hardware manufactures are actually in favor of a Microsoft monopoly -- thus forcing the average consumer to buy new computers to run bloated, inefficient software.

On top of that we'll have to buy the entire Ricky Martin album instead of just downloading "Livin' la Vida Loca."

Yeah, yeah, screw the tech mumbo jumbo, what about the porn!

On top of restricting our unfettered access to volumes of stolen music, Windows XP will give movie and television companies total control of streaming media on the Web, virtually eliminating any competition.

Writer Eben Moglen of the magazine The Nation said it best when he called this the "beginning of a beautiful friendship" between the "oligarchs of culture and the monopolist of software."

So, when Windows XP hits the shelves and our desktops, we will once again be at the mercy of the mighty Microsoft for our word processing and -- for the first time -- our erotic needs.

Call me crazy, but I don't trust Bill Gates to give me the porn I'm looking for. "Megabyte Butt Bitches" just doesn't sound all that appealing (except for the part about the butt).

So what can we do to ensure a ready supply of online streaming porn and unlimited supply of '70s porn funk MP3s?

Boycott Windows XP.

And then wait until the next election where the nation will probably re-establish the Department of Justice's antitrust policy under a different president.

President Bush's approval rating is hovering around 90 percent (just like his Dad's during the Gulf War) and will drop just like every other president's after a war. So, unless we having a sustained war effort, George H. and W. will be next to the Adams as the second father and son presidents in history who served only one term a piece.

Enough about politics though.

When Windows XP hits the shelves, Microsoft will tighten its hold on the average consumer in more ways than we are capable of comprehending.

And if they take our porn away, a quick jerky movement could tighten our grip and lead to a catastrophic event.

Josh Baylin can be reached at jbaylin@email.unc.edu.