What's Going On: News You Need to Know

Clef Hanger Ticket Scandal Uncovered

Rumors are running rampant that ticket distribution for tonight's Clef Hanger concert is rigged. Hordes of adoring fans were disappointed when they discovered that their tickets were for the balcony or mezzanine sections.

"This is crazy!" said an underclassman in a tight-fitting pink halter top. "I was 18th in line when tickets went on sale in the Pit on Monday. And now, I'm like, in the far back or something."

Her anger was made evident by her standard issue 2 1/2 inch silver hoops that smacked her face every time she tossed her hair.

Traditionally, the Clef Hangers reserve the first couple of rows for family and friends. This year, row `R' was the first available public seat, meaning upward of 500 seats were reserved for the performance by the 16-member, all-male a cappella group.

Infuriated, several female groupies lodged a complaint with the ever-capable Student Congress, demanding the creation of a new "Clef Code" seating policy.

Not even Ward Davis' randy rendition of "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" could stop the ladies from demanding a bracelet system, complete with scanned UNC ONE Cards, and a 6 a.m. line check for the next distribution of Clef tickets.

When reached for comment, a Clef Hangers spokesman said, "What the f*#$ are you talking about?"

Chancellor Moeser Discovers Students Attend UNC

After returning from an all-expense paid trip to the anticipated UNC campus in Doha, Qatar, Chancellor James Moeser was shocked to learn students live and attend classes at UNC-Chapel Hill. Walking outside of his South Building office Tuesday to enjoy the unusually warm November weather, Moeser noticed lots of "little people with bookbags." He pointed out this interesting collection of young people crossing the quad to a member of his entourage.

"They're students, James," the middle-aged white man responded to the chancellor's inquisitive glance.

"Oh, they're the ones who do the research," Moeser exclaimed, finally connecting the research dollars he's been furiously raising with the people who use the funds.

"Not exactly, Jimbo. They're here to learn."

"Learn what?" asked Moeser, who only ventures out of his office to raise more money.

"Whatever an undergraduate degree is supposed to teach them," the functionary answered.

Another member of his administrative entourage piped up, "They're the ones who wave the pompoms at football games."

Moeser, who is completely unaware that his predecessor used to actually talk to students on campus, replied, "Oh, right." He then descended into his secret subterranean lair to play his pipe organ and cackle hysterically.

Administration Screws Students, No One Notices

First came the tuition increase solely for faculty salaries, resulting in an immense student protest in front of Morehead Planetarium. Then came the grade inflation report, and a handful of students attended a forum that the DTH covered.

Now out-of-state students are retroactively coughing up more than $400 dollars, and they're too busy lining up outside the financial aid office to complain about the increase.

The University's latest attempt to screw over students is its plan to restrict residential student parking to six spaces. The Faculty Council was reportedly enthusiastic about the long-overdue changes. Students were like, "What?"

But no one really cares about any of this -- so why waste space reporting it?

Students are already resigned to paying an extra grand for a 2.7 grade point average handed down by an assortment of teaching assistants and never receiving a parking space. They are still holding out hope, however, for a winning basketball season.

Rachel Hockfield will return next week with a cornucopia of touching Thanksgiving anecdotes about giving and cranberry sauce. Clef Hangers may send serenades to rachel@email.unc.edu.