UNC's V-Day State of the Union Address

We're humans. And humans grow weary of singing love songs in a dark shower and making kissy-faces at themselves in the mirror.

As painful as this reality might be for many of us, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, I know what you're thinking. You've never been to an orgy before, and how would the Carolina Union go about sponsoring such an event? However, that's not the solution that I am proposing today.

What I have in mind gets at the heart of the American psyche. It is our safety net in our moments of deepest despair and hopelessness.

I'm talking about the State of the Union Address. In keeping with this fine American tradition of reassurance, I would like to offer a Valentine's Day State of the Union Address to the student body of UNC:

Students of this esteemed University, I realize that this is a time of candy giving and sloppy, open-mouth kissing for some, while a challenging time of loneliness and self-pity for many others.

I realize that many of the students reading this column are reading by flashlight, sitting in a dark room alone, still drunk from Valentine's Day.

But this is a time to summon our inner strength and call upon our resolve. It's a time to lean upon the lasting words of Whitney Houston and Joycelyn Elders, who taught that learning to love ourselves is truly the greatest love of all.

People of UNC, even if you haven't found your perfect match, I want you laugh in the rain. I know that the storm of loneliness is mighty and the rain burns your skin and face like hydrochloric acid. But we have effective means to fight this at our disposal.

In conquering our demons on this difficult day we might have to resort to tools that we found helpful in our childhood -- imaginary friends. I know that many of you have imaginary girlfriends or boyfriends. Some of you have both.

I have an imaginary girlfriend. Her name is Elesha. And even though she forgot Valentine's Day and my birthday this year (not to mention cheating on me six times), I still love her and care for her deeply.

To those of you who are lucky enough to have that someone special, I hope that this Valentine's Day weekend is very special for you.

I hope that you treasure a long walk through a park. I hope that you get to take him or her out to a nice dinner, and that the appetizer gives you food poisoning, which causes you to crap your pants noticeably in front of a large group of people.

But whether or not you've found that someone special, there are reasons to celebrate.

Right now we are in the middle of student elections. It's fairly warm for this time of year. Our basketball team -- well -- is a group of fine, upstanding young men. (In all seriousness, you have to applaud the heart these guys show in representing UNC. A fairweather fan is not a fan at all in my book.)

Look, a $1.99 rose from Harris Teeter doesn't speak at all to who you are. A significant other is nice, but so is two-ply toilet paper.

Don't get me wrong. Complain a little if you feel the need. Call me. We'll hide in the bushes and throw chicken legs at young lovers walking by on Franklin Street.

But your self worth has nothing to do whether you have a "valentine." What persists in you over time, what makes you who you are, is the will that drives you everyday.

We've got all sides of most issues covered here at UNC, but more importantly we have thousands of people who care. Roses wilt, and candy gets eaten by your roommate, but your voice and your vision is an expression of strength and beauty that should never fade.

In conclusion, will someone please go out with me. Please. Please. I'm begging.

Ben Dickens is looking for love in all the wrong places. If you know any places better than outside the women's bathroom in the Student Union, please e-mail him at bdickens@email.unc.edu.