The Daily Tar Heel

Serving the students and the University community since 1893

Wednesday February 8th

Give up Halo 3?! That's blasphemy!

Um, excuse me, Professor. I know we have that state governments paper due this week, but, you see, there's an obvious problem. Through I'm sure it was simply an erroneous oversight on your part, you scheduled this assignment only a mere 18 days after the release of Halo 3. I know, I know, you're probably kicking yourself right now for this. But that's really no excuse. I mean, this syllabus must be from last year or something, right? I suppose at your age, you weren't aware that this due date would be just after the release of, arguably, the most exciting creation since DNA. But there's no way you weren't aware of the release of the flagship of the new Xbox 360. No, no, you must have just not realized what this game means to my generation - nay, to the world. I don't have time to research the Pennsylvania legislature when the alien Conclave is bearing down. Hasn't anyone told you what Halo 3 has to offer? There's no way you haven't taken the reigns of the new and improved Master Chief, the hero of Halo 3. I mean, it's not like I haven't beaten the entire single-player mode on the Legendary difficulty setting a couple times over by now. I currently spend my time sipping Mountain Dew Game Fuel as the Elite Arbiter reigning justice from my studio apartment, which I call The Mothership. As a member of the "Wizards of Righteous Dominance" (WoRD) clan, I have to practice for hours every night just to stay on top of our league's competition. How 'bout that clan name? It explains our godlike potency while the acronym gives us street cred. You've probably heard of me - "Eliteasaurus Rex." You haven't? Well, it's probably because your clan is full of n00bz! What's that? Do I have a girlfriend? Interesting that you ask. I actually just asked out a tantalizing but deadly rival clan member two nights ago. Her name is C@ss@ndr@, but she goes by Cassie in real life. She's a 24-year-old model who lives in New York City and is about to make it big. She's totally cool but doesn't have a microphone yet, so I haven't actually talked to her. Her phone must be messed up, too, because she won't let me call. But whatever. I'm too busy exploring the vast potential of new items such as the Bubble Shield and the Flamethrower to worry about such petty things. So, I'm sure you understand. I mean, it's Halo-freakin'-3. Your poli sci paper means about as much to me as a Covenant Grunt with a Plasma Pistol means to the Master Chief. Which, in case you didn't know, is approximately nothing. N00b. Contact David Berngartt at dab@email.unc.edu.


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