kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complain
Dear boyfriend’s friend: I DO NOT HAVE SWINE FLU! But it would be worth getting just to give it to you.
To the guy listening to “The Lion King” soundtrack in the UL at 1 a.m.: The hyenas weren’t the only ones laughing.
Wait, Greek kids using cocaine? Who ever would have guessed?
Sophomore in my running class: We don’t want to know which girl you want to give you oral sex.
Hey, your Chacos make your cankles stand out.
Dear Jasmin Jones: I want to be the Marilyn Monroe to your JFK.
To the boy in my lab jamming out to Hannah Montana with your headphones in: We could all hear.
To every boring, unoriginal person whose kvetch looks like this: I hate you.
To the freshman who hated on condom access on the DTH opinion page: Enjoy your eternal virginity! I’ll be having safe, consensual sex and, no, you can’t watch.
Why are all the attractive people communists?
Dear girl in McDonald’s parking lot: It’s okay, I urinated there too.
To the sorority girl who was offended that the ambulance didn’t give you the right of way: You’re stupid.
To my roommate who asked for condoms after I told her I was Catholic: It’s a shame you’re too blonde to understand the irony.
To the girl who pronounced H1N1 the “hiney” flu: I hope you get it.
To the girl complaining about fraternity hickies: If you don’t want a souvenir, then don’t ask to see the gift shop.
To the Davis Library doors: please decide if you’re automatic or not. I look like a fool every time I approach you.
To the girl vigorously stabbing your notebook with your pencil in Davis while you’re surrounded by people trying to study: WTF?!?
To the white girl in the v-neck tee and Carolina blue running shorts: Not you, the other one … Oh no, wait … There are a THOUSAND of you.
Hey, DTH and Kvetchers: I’m straight on fire, yo!!
To the men of Rams Head Rec: As much as I love basketball, shirts versus skins games should be for those under 60. Sincerely, Indoor Track Runner.
For a campus full of virgins, there certainly are a lot of letters to the editor about sex.
To the guy playing World of Warcraft in Chem 261: I will take my organic friends over your magical ones. Where will that priest be when you’re studying for our exam?
Send your one-to-two sentence entries to firstname.lastname@example.org, subject line ‘kvetch.’
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