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Ah, Halloween. Less than half a month away. The time of year when a girl’s inner kitty-cat prostitute can run free.

It isn’t so much that I’m against sexy bees/nurses/Eskimos/fire hydrants/whatever, it’s more that they’re so uninspired.

A shortened hem and a pair of fishnets does not a costume make.

A woman who follows the list below may not get the catcalls, but she’s guaranteed to have a blast all her own.

Lisa Simpson: One of the most underappreciated female role models out there. She’s smart, stands up for what’s right and can wail on a sax. Rock a strapless red dress and some pearls, then add some yellow triangles to a headband for her trademark hairdo.

Those up for a bigger challenge can tackle Marge, although it will most likely involve chicken wire and copious amounts of blue paint. (And don’t say she isn’t sexy — she’s Playboy’s cover girl this month.)

Annie Hall: The title character of 1977’s Best Picture Oscar winner covers two of my costume requirements — comfortable shoes and temperature-appropriate gear. Stilettos can get you to Rosemary and back once — tops.

And the party’s over when the temperature drops and you have to beg a fleece off someone. Annie wears the pants without sacrificing her wily female ways.

The Supremes: Not Diana Ross and Co. — unless you’ve got three matching sequined dresses and some advanced hairstyling ability. In that case, go for it.

If not, find your high school graduation robe, add a toilet paper collar and voila! You’re Ruth Bader Ginsburg! Or go the wise Latina route as Justice Sonia Sotomayor.

Nancy Drew: Speaking of Sotomayor, Nancy Drew was her favorite book growing up. Break in that sweater set you bought for internship interviews and go as a Franklin Street sleuth. The Case of Where-the-Hell-Did-My-Friend-Just-Go-I-Swear-She-was-Just-Here might be a tough one to crack, but it’s far easier than understanding the plans of the non-costumed weirdos videotaping from the sidewalk.

Hilarious: Can’t break out of the sexy rut? Put on some fishnets and leather boots, provoke your mane into fabulous blonde curls and write “SLUT” on a red tank top. The genius part — you’re not! You’re just Lindsay Bluth Fünke from Arrested Development!

Historical: Still have an itch to rock that corseted getup? Fine, put on the bunny ears and the bow tie and start serving cocktails. But you’ve got more than an uncomfortable push-up bra underneath that Playboy Bunny outfit. Channel Gloria Steinem on assignment for her undercover reporting on Playboy Clubs, and plan on using the inspired quotes you’re sure to collect to write your own revolutionary essay.

 Remember as a girl when you planned your costume for weeks?

When you couldn’t wait to show it off at school?

When the best part of the night was sorting your loot into piles and pigging out on your favorites?

Try and bring a little bit of that magic to Franklin Street this year.

The whistles and stares are a lot like the candy we feast on: full of sugar but little substance.

This Halloween, try dressing for yourself, not for the crowds.

 

Jessica Fuller is a second-year journalism graduate student from Greensboro. Contact Jessica at jvfuller@gmail.com.

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