kvetch: v.1 (Yiddish) to complain
To every student who composes kvetches in their mind all day, every day: You are not alone.
Dear Bible study group: Thank you for monopolizing the study lounge and singing loudly so that none of us can use the room for what it’s meant to be used for. No, really, we appreciate it.
To the girls who wear leggings without anything over them: The only camel toes we want to see are at the city zoo.
Dear freshmen who think it’s really cool to argue with the Pit preacher for hours upon hours: It doesn’t make you a BAMF. It just makes you look more like a freshman.
Dear T.J. Yates: I can’t decide which of the 20 kvetches I wrote about you last Thursday night to send in.
To the international students: Welcome to America, the land where people walk on the right side of sidewalks.
To my biology professor: Why can’t you be more like your colleagues in the communications department and inflate my grades?!
To the middle-aged woman with graying hair who was skateboarding around the Pit: Can you be my mom?
Hey, you! Yeah, you with the hat on. Do yourself a favor and take the sticker off your hat. No one cares what your hat size is.
To the environmentalists: Just because you want to conserve water does not mean you should not flush the toilet.
What’s with calling STDs STIs? Does it make you feel better that your herpes sores are still there but called something different?
To every student who assumed that “the Yogurt Pump” was an elaborate phallic metaphor: Going to YoPo has nothing to do with raunchy sexual favors.
Dear high school students on campus tours: You aren’t allowed to take up the entire sidewalk until you actually get accepted.
Yo new Pit preacher, I’m really happy for you, and I’mma let you finish, but Gary Birdsong was the best Pit preacher of all time.
To Tyler Zeller: Yes, I did see you trip over the bricks in front of Lenoir. Congratulations, you’re normal.
I’m questioning Fabolous, too. Is this a fundraiser? Because I’ll pay to not see him.
To the girl walking behind me singing “It’s Raining Men”: Have you seen the girl/guy ratio here?!
Mysterious suitemate at Granville: Are you … alive?
Why is it impossible to take an art class if you’re not an actual art major? So much for expanding our horizons, UNC curriculum office.
Send your one-to-two sentence entries to firstname.lastname@example.org, subject line ‘kvetch.’
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