The Daily Tar Heel

Serving the students and the University community since 1893

Friday February 3rd

Column: Never hang our heads for Duke

Last Thursday, I was perusing the Duke men’s basketball schedule on its official Web site, and I noticed something that, like most things associated with the Blue Devils, really got under my skin.

The final score of their 12-point loss at Georgetown five days earlier wasn’t there.

Sure, after a couple clicks, you could find out what most self-respecting and honorable basketball fans already knew — that Duke got its rear end handed to it.

But it’s little things like this that make me realize how much I hate Duke.

Tonight, when they travel in to face North Carolina, we’ll all be subjected to taunts from their fans, most of whom can’t even spell their coach’s last name.

Then again, why would they bother to learn?

The guy is as bland as his name is befuddling. I’ve spent years trying to figure out how Inspector Gadget could have a better wardrobe.

I wonder what Master Splinter will wear tonight? Dark suit, white shirt, blue tie, maybe?

But if there’s one thing I have to give Mike Krzyzewski credit for, it’s his undeniable ability to coach his guards.

I mean, Jenna Jameson couldn’t teach better ball handling. Coach K shows those kids how to really stroke it.

Unfortunately for the Blue Devils, that’s about the only thing they’re good at.

Even their fans are hard to watch.

I was in Cameron Indoor Stadium … I mean Hansbrough Indoor ... for the Blue Devils’ Jan. 27 game against Florida State where a Duke student held a sign that put his prided New Jersian wit on display:




I stood in awe at the brilliance before me.

You want to talk about something nobody cares about, kid?

How about Christian Laettner — the best player in Duke history?

Our alums have more rings than Jostens, son. And it ain’t because they traded a pimp in Durham some basketball tickets for his.

But look at the bright side, at least Laettner isn’t as embarrassing as your current center.

I know that UNC is 13-10 and 2-6 in Atlantic Coast Conference play, but Brian Zoubek?

Now that’s laughable. And so is you and all your little buddies’ infatuation with him.

That troglodyte makes the lane look like it’s covered with ice. Should he miraculously — or accidentally — make a basket, you all hold up Z’s.

That bothers me.

Are you admitting that the guy’s a zero, or that his futility is putting everyone to sleep?

North Carolina fans know it’s an understatement to say the team has hit a rough stretch.

But just because the Tar Heels have stepped off the pedestal to tie their shoes, it doesn’t mean they won’t be coming for your heads tonight.

And in the unlikely event that we’re on the losing end when the final buzzer sounds, we won’t have to hang our heads.


We can look up at the five banners that will still be there tomorrow.


Brandon Staton is a senior journalism major from Portsmouth, Va. Contact Staton at

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