A cell phone ban would force us to take in the priceless sights of spring here at UNC: Carolina girls in sundresses and the whites of frat guys’ thighs.
And without the easy cop-out distraction of looking down at your cell phone and pretending to check your digital clock 12 times in three minutes, students will be forced to make eye contact.
This face-to-face interaction will, of course, be the only interaction allowed on campus given the “no texting while walking” clause of the ban.
Studies show that a person inadvertently ignores the cheerful hello of a friend once every three minutes. The primary cause: staring down at a cell phone in the afternoon sun and trying to make out the words on the screen.
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The measure could also potentially protect students from criminal prosecution, preventing individuals from “sexting” and initiating large-scale drug deals via Blackberry.
If the ban is enacted — and it must be — UNC would be a pioneer among peer institutions that are too cowardly to address this societal pandemic.
A Duke official discussed the heavy reliance of Blue Devils, especially males, on text messaging to interact with prospective partners.
“I mean, they may be wealthy blue bloods from South Jersey, but they don’t exactly teach ‘How to Confidently Talk to Women Without Being Cocky or a Creep’ at Cotillion,” the official said.
In a concession to a strong, vocal minority, the measure allows degenerate cell phone users to get their fix within 100 feet of the flag pole on the Polk Place quad.
It’s time to take a stance against this type of unhealthy behavior.
Editor’s Note: April Fools. This one is fake, in case you didn’t guess. The others are real, though!