v.1 (Yiddish) to complain
To the girl in the Pit shouting, “If you have to pee, you might as well do it in a cup:” I’m not sure what you’re advertising for, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want it.
To the girl in the suite next to ours: I think my ear has chlamydia.
To my (female) roommate: The ladies in your girl-on-girl porn may not wear bras, but you should.
To the couple on the third floor of Graham banging it out against the window with the lights on: Thanks for the show. North Campus isn’t so boring after all.
Dear Kool-Aid Man: Why did you have to cover BOTH stalls with purple vomit on a Saturday night?
To the person that just spilled water all over your stuff in the UL: Sucks.
To the TV in Carroll lobby: You’ve been all talk and no show for the past few weeks.
To the pantsless girl peeing in the bushes near the intersection of Merritt Mill Road and Franklin Street on Saturday night: Are you really so afraid of losing your balance that you need to wear a bicycle helmet while you pop a squat?
To the ECON professor who posts homosexual ads on Craigslist: Try closing your Web browser before starting your PowerPoint presentation.
To the girls who asked me where Franklin Street is: Even people at Duke can find it.
To Davis Library: It’s the end of April. I think you can turn the heat off now.
Screw you, HoJo vending machines. I can’t even pay you to satisfy me just for one night.
To everybody who meant to go to the Planet Earth screening last Tuesday and didn’t show up: We know why you forgot.
Dear couple doggie-styling on a Merritt Mill fire hydrant two weeks ago: Kind of gross … but also kind of want to try the “fire drill” now.
Dear hot water: I would have gladly allowed you to join me in the shower tonight … your loss.
Dear UNC: Could we please do something about the (lack of) wireless Internet? I’m tired of being forced to watch Glee in the Davis lab.
To the guy in the Top of Lenoir brushing his hair with a fork: The recession ain’t that bad.
I heart Female Orgasm as much as I do the Loch Ness Monster — for its numerous sightings and its ultimate fabrication.
FDA: Please bring back Quaaludes.
To the girl who quoted Sporcle in her statistics presentation: Can you name the top 10 worst websites to cite in three minutes?
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