Year’s best kvetches

kvetch:

v.1 (Yiddish) to complain

To the girl in my chemistry class with “think” tattooed above her butt crack: I did, and no thanks.

Who do I have to blow to get my kvetch chosen?

Dear puke on Stadium Drive I passed this morning: Oh, how I wish to remember if you are mine …

To the high school girl I danced with at the 80s dance at Cat’s Cradle: Don’t call your dad. I’ll give you a ride home.

It took more time to deliver my sandwich than it did for the Titanic to sink.

To the girl on the phone in the Cabaret yelling out her symptoms: I’m no doctor, but I advise you to take a

pregnancy test ASAP.

Dear hipsters: Why do you pay so much money to look so poor?

To the P2P guy who was so drunk that he started hitting on himself in the mirror: Enough said.

To my (female) roommate: The ladies in your girl-on-girl porn may not wear bras, but you should.

Dear couple doggie-styling on a Merritt Mill fire hydrant two weeks ago: Kind of gross … but also kind of want to try the “fire drill” now.

Dear guy in Spencer study lounge discussing your

grandfather’s case of herpes:  Your family tree is much more interesting than my astronomy book.

Dear sorority girls: Wearing Ray-Bans and Chacos does not make you alternative.

Dear hungry squirrel: I’m not your personal climbing pole, and these are not your nuts.

To my across-the-hall neighbor: It was funny to find you

randomly asleep on my couch. It wasn’t so funny when I found pee later.

Dear tap water in Craige: I’m not racist, but I hate you for being white.

To the violinist in the Hill Hall practice rooms: I seriously thought you were a dial-up connection.

Hey Lenoir: I know we’ve only known each other for a year now, but I thought you would at least tell me when you make a major life decision like going down a cup size.

Why do anarchists spend so much time in men’s public bathroom stalls?

To the kid in my geography class: Stop watching turtle porn!

To the guy Googling, “how to teleport into the future” in ANTH 319: I wish this class was over too.

Dear workout partner: Stop saying things like, “I felt you come down and just couldn’t push any more” when I’m bench pressing.

To the girl who threw up

during our SOCI 101 class: I have to pregame to bear it, too.

Dear guy in Lenoir wearing pink and purple camouflage: Were you planning on hiding in a gay forest?