The other day I attempted to turn off my light without leaving the warm confines of my bed. After stretching and struggling for a good minute and a half, I thought to myself “God! How pathetically lazy am I that I can’t even get out of bed to turn out a light?” Is there any possible way to justify this egregious act of sloth?
I determined that while my specific act of laziness may have been inexcusable, laziness in certain instances may be justifiable and even necessary.
I set out on a three-week independent study to learn the ins and outs of laziness and developed what I consider to be a comprehensive set of rules to guide lazy activity. Here are my Rules of Laziness:
- Individuality — You and your laziness must have a very intimate relationship. You must not allow your laziness to spill over and adversely affect someone else. For example: You are in a crowded elevator on the first floor of Davis and someone uses the elevator to go up to the second. Everyone has had an experience with a peer who did not respect the individuality rule, and you know how frustrating it can be.
- Reciprocity — If someone violates the individuality clause of the Rules of Laziness, individuals are encouraged to react by enforcing the reciprocity rule. If a car is tailgating you on the highway, it is common knowledge that you must do everything within your power to impede the tailgating car’s progress, usually by decelerating.
Similarly, if someone’s laziness infringes on your rights, you are allowed to commit an equally lazy act upon the aggressor. This self-correcting clause has truly benevolent intentions, meant to curb inappropriate acts of laziness.
- Rollover — It is understood that individuals’ laziness fluctuates daily. Laziness is totaled weekly and the rollover rule requires that you must have a net positive work-laziness balance at the end of each week. The rollover rule protects people from a day of unbelievable laziness, allowing them to work toward a positive net weekly figure in upcoming days. Additionally, the ending laziness balance of one week is next week’s beginning balance. This means that if one desires, it is possible to hoard your laziness points, saving for a week of unparalleled, ridiculous laziness.
- Trump Factor — In some social circles, extreme acts of laziness are often revered. To avoid marginalizing this small but influential contingency, I have added the Trump Factor. The Trump Factor allows an individual to commit an act of laziness if and only if that action is the most despicably lazy thing that individual has ever heard of to date. The Trump Factor then becomes the new standard of laziness. The Trump Factor supersedes all other rules.
During my independent study, I realized that most individuals naturally adhere to the Rules of Laziness.
For the few who don’t, they must understand that laziness is a privilege that must be earned, not a right to be taken for granted.
David Bierer is a Guest Columnist for The Daily Tar Heel. He is a senior Business major from Charlotte. E-mail him at email@example.com
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