v.1 (Yiddish) to complain
Dear manager sitting behind the bench: Please don’t look utterly disgusted to be sitting behind Roy and the boys; there are about 10,000 girls in line to replace you.
First, Pluto’s not a planet, now there is a new zodiac sign. Maybe the world really is coming to an end.
To the guy that yelled “you suck” when the announcer called Harrison Barnes’ name during the team introductions at the game: He’s a top 10 NBA draft prospect. You’re here playing your little trombone. I think you’re confused as to who “sucks” in this situation buddy.
To whoever folded my extensive amount of sheets and blankets in the Parker laundry room, thank you so much fairy godmother!
To the hallmate who keeps using her laptop while on the toilet: Is the bathroom Wi-Fi seriously that good or should I be concerned?
Dear NCAA, Please don’t investigate me for the 20 cents of printing money I gave to Shaun Draughn.
To the Confederate apologists sitting in front of the Alpine TV Tuesday afternoon: I’m sorry, but the Civil War was about slavery.
Dear professor: No, really — CCI Printing ate my homework.
To the old man who was hitting on me in the library, take off the Duke hat and get back to me.
Fellow Student: There is a time and place for arguing with the professor, and there is a time to SHUT UP AND LET US MOVE ON. And just to be clear, your time to shut up was ten minutes ago.
To the kid who decided to barge into the bathrooms at the pool, yelling about how anyone changing in a stall was homophobic: Being the guy in the stall changing, and also gay, I feel inclined to say that you’ve single-handedly set back the gay right’s movement 20 years. Good job on trying to sound tolerant, idiot.
To whoever pooped under the stairs of Franklin Street’s Puzzle Piece Alley: That is not the piece we were looking for.
Hey douche bag who insists on wearing a pink bandana at all times: Humans vs. Zombies was so 2010. P.S. You’re balding.
I don’t understand why a drunk person was mad at 2 a.m. when someone pulled out an AK … ski?!
To the girl seeking a single, Christian, non-greek male: I’ll be in the union Friday from 12-1 in a black sweater, with blond hair, drinking hot chocolate. Join me.
To the protein powder-obsessed senior male: How has bringing girls back to your triple dorm room worked out for you lately?
Send your one-to-two sentence entries to firstname.lastname@example.org, subject line ‘kvetch.’
To get the day's news and headlines in your inbox each morning, sign up for our email newsletters.