v.1 (Yiddish) to complain
Dear SBP candidate, Anyone who uses a phallic symbol on their campaign posters deserves to be labeled “cocky” by campus media.
UNC Greeks, while it may have been 70, its not time to break out the pastels quite yet.
Dear Ian Lee, sorry for turning down your Facebook friend request, but we’re not friends. We’ve never even met.
To the guy in my dorm who boasts about how many kvetches he’s had published: Shut your face. All that means is you’re good at complaining.
To the guy at the SRC secretly taking pictures on his phone: Everyone enjoys some eye candy at the gym, but you’re just plain creepy.
Dear Ian, Thanks for making a tent-sized A-frame. It made a good shelter when my roommate sexiled me last night.
To the boy who kvetched that he can’t find a girl at UNC, I’m so sorry — you are apparently hideous and/or have the worst personality possible. Sincerely, 60 percent of the UNC student body.
Dear B-school, thanks for accepting me and for not having class on Fridays. Now I can actually have the Charlie Sheen Thursday nights we all dream of.
Dear DM: Just because you’re being annoying “for the kids,” doesn’t give you license to dress like rainbows vomited on you.
@NCState: We’re just like you, only prettier. Oh, and better. #notourrivals
To the people who crowd the doors of lecture halls while the previous class comes out: You are counterproductive and irritating.
Dear SBP candidates, Dance Marathon called. It wants its campaign back.
To the sorority girl using her laptop on the StairMaster at Rams Gym: You really couldn’t go 30 minutes without checking CollegeACB?
Dear Morrison: Nothing says “loser” quite like displaying your “winner” poster for three solid months.
To the person who can’t find a seat at Lenoir or a girl: Just do what the fraternity boys do, and share.
If I give everyone in College Republicans $1 to cover their ASG fee, will they please shut up?
To my professor: I appreciate your highlighting the important information in my readings, but by the time it’s scanned in, it looks like Nixon got at it.
Dear short, fellow Tar Heels in the risers: I forgive you for making me sit out the 2nd half. — Gumby
Yes, I am graduating in May. No, I don’t know what my plans for next year are. And yes, I do want to punch you in the face.
Send your one-to-two sentence entries to firstname.lastname@example.org, subject line ‘kvetch.’
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