- Hey Ian, look on the bright side. At least you don’t have to resign now?
- Sex-skyping is not socially acceptable. That’s what Spring Break is for.
- Dude with dreads in the SRC: I can TASTE your stench. Please wear deodorant so I can continue to work out without literally gagging every time I get a whiff of you.
- Dear neighbor, I’m sorry you heard that haiku I wrote about you and your boyfriend. But it’s really not my fault that “Break up now. Break up.” fits so nicely into 5 syllables…
- I came to my 8 a.m. class to watch a movie about an old man buying condoms in India, the Thursday before Spring Break, REALLY.
- Dear UNC ticket lottery: Thanks for making me feel like the fat kid at the kickball game. I never get picked.
- To the girl riding her bike down East Cameron Avenue:
Mustache March does not apply to armpit hair.
- Hide yo’ kids! Hide yo’ wife! They be rubbin’ e’rybody’s legs out there!
- Dear people with the squeaky bed above us: Really? For an hour? We all know it doesn’t take that long … Sincerely, this is getting old.
- Either use your student ticket, you selfish bastard, or send it to me. firstname.lastname@example.org
- So many high school tours… so many FILFs.
- To the girl in bio who Googled: “Christian boyfriend quotes,” I would really like to know what the hell you were trying to achieve with that search.
- Salmon-colored cargo shorts? This is why GDIs and Greeks shouldn’t mix.
- Dear Rick: Your continued whining about the elections a full three weeks after the elections might explain why four in five UNC students voted against you.
- To the girls discussing UTI’s behind me in art history: Shut it, I’m trying to nap — like everyone else in here!
- Dear bro drinking what I can only presume to be Keystone Light out of his NOLS Nalgene in Davis: Congratulations, you’ve taken fratting to a whole new level.
- Walking your puppy on the quad: adorable. Walking your anteater on the quad: Re-evaluate your life.
- Dear roommate, I hope you know that we can all hear you when you violently rap Kanye and Nicki for 12 hours each day. And P.S., we think you’re crazy.
- To the obnoxious Brits singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the P2P at 3 am: Thanks for ruining English accents for me.
- The green lights on campus last as long as my ex-boyfriend.
- To my Drama 116 teacher: Forcing me to watch a play in which you have fake orgasms did not turn me on to drama … or to you.
- After all of the trouble with all of the SBP elections, I vote we make Harrison Barnes Student Body Czar and solve all of our problems.
- I liked Carrboro before it turned 100. Carrboro used to have integrity.
- To the basketball team: You have proved yourself worthy of Roy’s quotes. Now go chainsaw some baloney and BEAT DOOK.
Send your one-to-two sentence entries to
email@example.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’
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