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The Daily Tar Heel

A camel and clown walk into a bar

A camel with black sunglasses walks into a bar.
Sitting down, he sees a clown with a yellow jumpsuit, white face paint and red hair, drinking an appletini.

RONALD: I’m glad you came. I thought you were dead.

JOE: Not dead, but in hiding. I’m the Tupac Shakur of mascots. “The Man” killed me off because I spread unhealthy messages to kids.

RONALD: (laughs) Tupac. That’s a good one. Listen, I need some advice.

JOE: Hit me.

RONALD: Things are getting bad. The new health care reform bill mandates calorie labels in chain restaurants, and San Francisco banned Happy Meals. Other places are proposing “sin taxes” on fatty foods and sugary drinks. What’s next, a law that forbids people from eating fatty foods in public places?

JOE: Let’s not get carried away.

RONALD: So, how do I combat proposals for “sin taxes?”

JOE: Why don’t you take control of the issue? Charge less for Coke Zero than for Coke and give kids a cooler toy for healthy meals — Harry Potter action figure for apples, Ron Weasley for fries.

RONALD: Not bad Joe. Any other ideas?

JOE: Well, you guys made a smart move by getting rid of Supersize. You need to improve portion control in other ways. A large fries and large Coke is 810 calories. You need to run about eight miles to burn 810 calories. Can you imagine people like your purple pal Grimace trying to run eight miles?

RONALD: Easy there. If I can’t sell large drinks and fries, my profits will decrease.

JOE: Ron, my boy, think about your long-term survival. For instance, all your fries are trans fat-free. Why not reduce sodium in meals?

Americans consume, on average, nearly 3,500 milligrams of sodium a day. That’s more than double the 1,500 milligrams recommended by the Institute of Medicine. This wouldn’t hurt profits and would probably prevent the early deaths of some of your customers.

I would have pushed for similar steps, but it’s tough to make a cigarette without harmful ingredients like nicotine.

If I’m being honest, Americans need to stop eating out as much or the government needs to use subsidies to make convenient, healthy meals more affordable.

RONALD: Let’s agree to disagree on that one. Any advice on getting people to like me more?

JOE: Nope. Let’s accept that a chain-smoking camel and a lanky clown promoting hamburgers will always be losers.

MIKE “THE SITUATION”: No way! The Situation has always wanted to meet you fellas. People are knocking me, saying that I’m juicing. To add insult to injury, California now prohibits minors from using tanning salons.

Help a bro out.

RONALD: Oh my word, look at the time. I’ve got to get going.

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JOE Me too. Good luck buddy.

RONALD (whispering to Joe): Well, at least we aren’t that guy.