v.1 (Yiddish) to complain
Zeller, I’m gonna need you to wear a few more layers out in the freezing rain from now on. We can’t have you getting pneumonia, sweetheart.
Saying Coach K is the best coach because he has the most wins is like saying Russia is the best country because it has the most land.
To the show-off bro who asked if I wanted a RapeWalk and then giggled like a little girl: I’d give you one, but I don’t think you’re man enough to handle me.
To the guy trying to climb the flag pole while smoking a cigarette: Stubbing your toe should be the least of your worries.
Sorry about holding the men’s bathroom door open for you. It was purely out of habit. I promise I can tell that you’re a girl.
To the people who voted against having our CHEM 261 test pushed back: Use the atomic symbols and go Fluorine Uranium Carbon Potassium yourselves.
Dear Larry Drew II, How can we ever thank you?—KM Fan Club.
To the girl who left her used pregnancy test on the paper towel holder in the UL bathroom: Congrats for making it through your first college pregnancy scare, it’s negative!
To the guy who said that Dustin Hoffman played Screech on Saved By the Bell: That was Dustin Diamond, and why are you in this film class again?
DTH—I read your Adderall article so intently, with such focus and speed thanks to my inborn academic prowess. (Additionally, thanks to the pharmacist at student health.)
To the girl who asked how much 1.5 ounces is: College. You’re doing it wrong.
ECU: Everybody Carries Umbrellas.
Dear Chi O, I heard y’all have a “What Used to be Cool” theme for your cocktail tonight. If I get invited, I’m dressing up like a Chi O.
Sun, sun, go away, my leg hair doesn’t want to come out to play. Love, No-shave-Novemberist.
Dear James McAdoo: Can you please smile every once in a while? You are one fine piece of man and all of us girls would love to see those pearly whites.
To the guy pretending to be a bouncer at La Rez on Saturday: You had me fooled… until you tried to make out with me.
Idea: 15 percent tuition increase for Universities mistaking umbrellas for guns. Divide evenly among actual Universities. Problems solved.
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