v.1 (Yiddish) to complain
Dear Kendall Marshall: For someone who loves shoes so much, you probably should have learned to tie them properly. #shoeonthecourt?
To the narcoleptic guy in my music class, just a warning: Our professor is like Santa. He sees you when you’re sleeping and he knows when you’re awake.
Plans to run for SBP this year, Rick Ingram? You could score more points than our basketball team.
To my elderly English professor who danced in the classroom and said he had moves like Jagger: You put Adam Levine to shame with your Lands’ End tote bags and tucked-in shirts.
To the Kenan-Flagler kids who get high behind the parking deck: I used to be optimistic about the future of our financial state. Then I saw you guys and all hope died … again.
John Henson, marry me? I’ll even let you wear the white T-shirt (and jersey) to the wedding.
It’s a damn good thing that Wisconsin isn’t the honey badgers, because then they would have beaten us. I mean honey badgers don’t give a s@#%.
To the guy who keeps glancing at this elevator mistletoe and then back at me: #thanksbutnothanks
To all the disillusioned UNC boys who watched the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show: Your 60-year-old male professor’s boobs could look like that too with help from the Miracle Bra.
We already have a meditation room: It’s called Davis at 12 p.m.
Hey DU: If you’re going to egg our house, sack up and at least use more than two eggs next time. And come after 11 p.m.
To the hottie who owns the Carolina blue crotch rocket: Wanna take me for a ride?
Dear Todd: Thanks for sending us those pictures of you at the Grand Canyon over break. Now I won’t have so much separation anxiety over Christmas break. – A faithful chemistry student
To the football player in the Pit who yelled “white girl with a donk, WINNING!” at me as I walked by: What do you know about winning?
To the guy who gave me a dirty look when I answered my phone in Davis: Please make a UCLA spin-off video about me. I dare you.
To the girl complaining about the guys driving a “Honda Prius:” I guess what they say is true — women don’t know anything about cars.
Send your one-to-two sentence entries to
firstname.lastname@example.org, subject line ‘kvetch.’
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