v.1 (Yiddish) to complain
That awkward moment when you’re walking down the dorm hallway and smell something funny, and then you realize you’re on the guy’s floor.
I volunteer my wrist to be transplanted for Marshall. I’m in Bio 101 right now, so I know how this stuff works.
To the girl making fun of me for being on OKCupid: Are you free Saturday night?
For those in-state students complaining about how out-of-state-students do nothing good for UNC: We’ll just take back Henson, Barnes, Zeller, McAdoo, Marshall, Strickland, McDonald and Hubert.
To Nature: Next time your trees/flowers decide to go for a money shot, at least give us a heads up. This s—t is everywhere.
To the bro I walked in on: Sorry, but NCAA tourney > your sex life. Close your door.
To the girl in the study lounge who asked me if I could watch your stuff for a minute: I could, for a minute. It’s been an hour.
To the girl on the quad throwing tennis balls and trying to get her friend to chase after them: Stop trying to make fetch happen.
To the girl who typed “google” into the google chrome search bar, smh.
I wish my grades were as inflated as the sanitation scores in Lenoir.
Dear editorial cartoon: I was going to mock your misquoting of Monty Python, but then I decided it’s just a flesh wound.
To whoever spilled their coffee on that seat on the U: Thanks for the awkward wet spot on my butt. Bonus points for the coffee still being hot!
To the girl who asked, “Who were we playing?” when the entire dorm came out to celebrate d00k losing: Do you even go here?
Okay, just come out with it already: Who has the yellow chalk?
To my physics TA with the “Young, Wild, and Free” T-shirt: Are you sure about that?
To the girl who took her shirt and bra off while jogging toward me: You could have just asked me to run with you.
Spring, the time when our Willie Nelson doppelganger wears his cutoff short shorts. My eyes hurt.
To the girl that slapped the Pit Preacher for his sexist rants: You have more balls than any guy.
To the texting girl with a broken leg crossing Columbia against traffic: I may be a geology major, but I know that natural selection probably won’t work out in your favor.
Send your one-to-two sentence entries to
firstname.lastname@example.org, subject line ‘kvetch.’
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