It’s Halloween, which according to the contemporary cultural mindset (and the film “Mean Girls”) means that today is a golden opportunity for women to dress in a manner that some would declare “slutty.”
A cursory Google search reveals that online Halloween costume distributors are more than ready to meet the demand for “sexy” costumes, with such diverse offerings as “sexy environmentalist,” “sexy Big Bird,” and the puzzling “sexy banana.”
Though some (certainly not I, of course) would say this trend is yet another ghastly beast begotten of patriarchy, I in no way oppose costumes of a sexual nature in and of themselves.
In fact, I myself am no stranger to the genre. My junior year of high school, I dressed as Hester Prynne from “The Scarlet Letter.”
Though that choice requires one to dress like an 18th-century Puritan, it also requires a letter on one’s chest broadcasting one’s alleged dalliance with a strapping young clergyman.
Of course, if you don’t want to go the literary route, that’s perfectly fine (and wise).
But what I would like to see in this year’s crop of sexy Halloween costumes is a little more originality.
So if you (like me) still find yourself stuck for an idea, I’ve come up with twists on some classics that might strike your fancy.
1) Why stop at sexy nurse? If you dress as a “sexy wet nurse,” you get to attempt to breastfeed all the women you see dressed as sexy babies.
2) Since sexy cat is pretty overdone, you might consider going as sexy Garfield. Depending on your body type, you may have to gain weight for the role. There’s also some prep time to take into account, as you should cook a few lasagnas before you head out.
3) The sexy secretary concept has all kinds of problems, so just throw it out and see if you can pull off “sexy Secretariat.” The truly dedicated (i.e. most drunken) executors of this idea will solidify the illusion by urinating in the street.
4) I understand the sexy pirate costume reflects contemporary nostalgia for a quiet, seafaring life with nothing but raping and pillaging to fill one’s days. But why not go the grittier route — “sexy scurvy”? Consult with the nearest makeup expert so your sores and jaundice will look authentic.
5) A sexy angel costume, while easy to throw together, can sometimes be nondescript. If you want to keep it biblical, “sexy Virgin Mary” may be worth a try. All you need is a pregnancy appendage and some sort of document certifying hymen integrity.
If you’re not enamored of any of these options, I’m sure you’ll come up with something good on your own.
I myself am currently deciding between the conceptual “sexy feminism,” the more specific “sexy Lilly Ledbetter” and the admittedly terrible “legitimate crepe.”
Not that anyone will be sober enough to notice.
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