Kvetching Board for September 20, 2013

kvetch:
v.1 (Yiddish) to complain

To the British Clef: I play handbells, but I would love a night with your Big Ben.

To the girl who, after letting one rip in the UL, promptly exited from her cubicle in shame, you don’t gotta run from me sweetheart, it happens to the best of us.

Why buy $4 laxatives when you can get a $2 iced coffee from The Daily Grind?

To the guy checking me out in the Walgreens line who made a visible face of disgust when he noticed I was buying tampons: My ass and my lady business are a package deal. Get over it.

To my neighbors on McCauley Street: I have a tissue with you deciding to paint your house the color of a giant booger this time of year. Sincerely, a severely sniffle-stricken student.

A Microbiology Gettysburg Address: Forespore and seven smears ago …

To the family of birds in my chimney that wakes me up each morning with its insufferable chirping: I highly suggest that you get the flock out of here.

To the guy offering beer and a raft for the hot fountain swimmer, you probably lost her at PBR. Take your hipster near-beer back to the co-op in Carrboro.

To the guy who mooned all of Lenoir from the escalator: I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty impressed.

Dear frat boys, it’s really funny that you think you’re so funny by rating us as we walk by — because we do the same thing to you. Much love, the girls of UNC.

To the wonderful person who left a red hibiscus flower on my bicycle Wednesday afternoon: Thank you! You have a beautiful soul!

Four years later, I’m still cringing every time a professor pulls up Internet Explorer instead of Chrome or Firefox.

Fact: You can tell how many credit hours someone’s language class is worth by how many Google Translate windows they have open when doing homework.

Maybe UNC should invest in more Cheerwine supplies at Rams Head and Lenoir instead of a drone. People care more about the Elixir of the Gods than a flying camera to watch the athletes.

To the girls running around on the quad Tuesday night: I’m not trying to capture your flag. I’m just trying to get to Lenoir without being mobbed.

Alert Carolina, after three emails and four texts: So you’re saying … it’s just a test?

Just in case you didn’t know, we are “all clear” and you may “resume normal activity.”

Dear bio partners: I’m sorry that I ditched you for another group, but let’s be real … survival of the fittest.

Send your one-to-two ?sentence entries to ?opinion@dailytarheel.com, subject line ‘kvetch.’