Drew Goins (almost as funny as Bobby Frasor) and Kelsey Weekman (almost as emotional as Kennedy Meeks singing Whitney) are “You Asked for It,” a column in which the two experts give you their rarely helpful advice. Results may vary.
You: How do I get over a breakup with my boyfriend?
YAFI: Five steps, y’all:
1. Denial — You and Jason were destined to be since you locked eyes across the Pit. He had just lied about being registered to vote, and you were painting a cube for the TEDx talk on the gender politics of Azerbaijani water parks. But now he’s moved on to a more committed relationship with his fantasy football team. Accept it.
2. Anger — Play Taylor Swift’s “Picture to Burn.” Let America’s breakup queen fuel your rage. Gather all of the pictures of you and Jason and ignite them with the linen-scented candle you’re not allowed to have in your dorm. Or throw them in the dumpster. Remember to recycle.
3. Bargaining — You’ll start wondering what you could’ve done differently.
“Maybe if I hadn’t taken him to Late Night with Roy, he wouldn’t have realized I’ll never be as pure of heart as Sylvia Hatchell.”
“ Jason, if you give me another chance, I’ll watch you play ‘Grand Theft Auto XXVII,’ and I won’t even talk about the implicated frightening moral decay. It matters not in the eternity I shall spend at your side.”
4. Eating those microwave coffee mug desserts you saw on Pinterest — You re-pinned the brownie because it was super cute (and you love, love, love tiny stuff), but you never thought you’d need it like this.
