Drew Goins (who is writing from Washington, D.C., this week) and Kelsey Weekman (who is writing while eating raw cookie dough like a granola bar) are the advice columnists of “You Asked for It.”
You: I’m throwing my friend a giant 21st birthday party. What do I do? I’m only 19!
YAFI: We all know that 21 is the alcohol birthday, but have you explored other newly legal options for celebration? Your friend can now get married without parental consent in Mississippi and apply for a license to operate a commercial gyroplane. Consider taking a day trip to the most joked-about place on earth, the DMV, for a riveting switch in driver license orientation.
But if she still wants a typical 21st and those raisins you picked out of your trail mix a week ago haven’t fermented yet, try some traditions with a sober twist. Instead of taking shots with the girls, educate the party-goers on the importance of a yearly flu vaccination.
Rather than having your friend wear a giant, drink-shaped sign with a list of drunken tasks to complete, try listing things that would be insane to do no matter what your blood alcohol content is. Replace “kiss a stranger” with “put a scorpion in your mouth” and “dance on the bar” with “operate a gyroplane.”
It’ll be a night you wish you never remembered!
You: I was a Duke fan before I came here. How should I go about getting rid of all my Duke stuff?
YAFI: If you’re on a budget and don’t wanna buy more college gear, a simple potion can turn even the darkest, wrongest shade to Carolina Blue. Take four parts bleach and two parts water to change the color, and add in one teardrop from Kenneth Wainstein to get the letters to rearrange themselves.
For a more thorough cleansing, burn them. But be careful. A recent study showed that roughly 40 percent of Duke artifacts are actually Horcruxes (Weasley 2013). Your Redick jersey probably contains a tiny piece of Mike Krzthrrbleghski’s soul that will try to kill you when you set it ablaze.
