Drew Goins (swipe left) and Kelsey Weekman (take a moment to consider, hesitantly swipe right) are the advice columnists of “You Asked for It.” Results may vary.
You: How do I get a ring by spring?
YAFI: Assuming you’ve already decided to pursue an MRS degree (aka public relations) and joined a campus ministry, you’re ready to catch up with, like, ALL of your Facebook friends who are getting engaged.
To begin an everlasting journey into a life of love and devotion with your husby, you have to lay a trap. Begin by casually mentioning your future together. Say something subtle, like “I can’t wait to have 10 kids with you,” or “Should we get matching coffins?”
Constantly remind him that you are wifey material. Make him dinner, help him pick out clothes for the next day, correct anything he says that is remotely incorrect and track his every movement using push pins and yarn on a map in the back of your closet.
Give him a tour of the campus’ most romantic landmarks — the Davie Poplar kissing bench, the Arboretum and the eighth floor of Davis Library. If these amorous hotspots don’t have him down on one knee, ditch him and head to Tinder for a new man.
You: I can’t ever make it from the Center for Dramatic Art to the FedEx Global Education Center in the 10 minutes between classes. Tips?
YAFI: Until next semester, when the administration lengthens the time between classes in the least-publicized University-wide change in history, you’re stuck with a journey more taxing than the one that ancient Greek guy who ran all the way from Marathon to Athens had... and he died.
Cut through the graveyard. You’ll shave off at least a minute, and the ghost of that dead Greek guy will cheer you on.
Once you get onto campus proper, you can get down into the steam tunnels that run under campus. Little known fact: In addition to all the asbestos, they’re also equipped with airport-style moving walkways. Secret entrances to the tunnels pepper campus — all hidden in plain sight in areas students see but never visit. The most convenient is probably behind the little cart of Cosmic burritos in the Blue Ram Cafe.
To make it the final stretch, slip on your Heelys and glide to glory.
Or, you know, just hop on the U. Or ride a bike. Sheesh.