Drew Goins (who is filled with politically correct, generic holiday mirth) and Kelsey Weekman (probably Jewish) are the advice columnists of “You Asked for It.” Results may vary.
You: Are we supposed to get holiday presents for our professors?
You Asked for It: Our initial reaction was, “No, that’s weird,” but upon reflection, we say go for it! We’re all for being forward-thinking about holidays and manufacturing awkward moments.
Make an homage to the good ol’ days of elementary school and get your professor a classic, homey present — a mug, a seasonally flavored baked good or a handmade sweater woven from the hair that fell out of your scalp when you were stressing about his class’ final.
Try using your dorm’s kitchen or an especially aggressive heating vent to bake cookies shaped like traditional college supplies — you know, books, shower shoes and twin XL sheets.
If you’re trying to keep your please-write-me-a-job-recommendation-please-I-am-desperate vibes on the down low, just give them kind but honest course evaluations. Or a chili pepper on their Rate My Professors ratings. They’ll know.
You: Is it safe to start celebrating Christmas now?
YAFI: Snow has started falling. (Maybe! We wrote this last night, and the forecast says 70 degrees again, but you never know!) Whatever the weather, it’s rapidly becoming that time of year — when hearts are filled with love and good cheer and Google searches for “Kwanzaa” skyrocket as white people try to figure out exactly what it is.
For the sake of being official, the generally accepted rule of thumb is that festivities can begin as soon as RAs start halfheartedly taping candy canes onto residents’ doors, so we’re gonna go ahead and give an all clear on celebrating the season.
We do understand your hesitation, though. The haters have instilled enough misgiving that you don’t even know what’s what anymore, leading to moments of terrible uncertainty. Is that really a Clef Hangers cover of “Mary, Did You Know?” or is it just them singing “Africa” again? You might have even been scorned for jumping the gun by putting up turtle doves or partridges, which were really just bats you never took down from Halloween.
But the haters have been officially put on the naughty list, so now you can chug that ’nog and bump that Mariah.