Drew Goins (Punctuation is Fun-ctuation!) and Kelsey Weekman (They don’t call her Kelsey “Grammar.”) are the advice columnists of “You Asked for It.” Results may vary.
You: I’m trying to impress a girl. Are dad jokes attractive?
YAFI: What’s that? You’re smitten? Why, hello smitten, I’m Dad.
Your mother and I heard you were having trouble getting a date. Remember that prunes are healthy as well!
You can try winning a gal over with one of my famous jokes. Not only do they work on many levels — like an elevator repairman — but they’re also a ground-breaking creation — much like the shovel.
Don’t rely solely on dad jokes, though. Take her out to dinner somewhere nice — but not the moon! I hear there’s no atmosphere. ;-) And before anything, make sure she’s not a tennis player because love means nothing to them.
She’ll fall for you so fast that you might want to elope to Moscow, but there’s no use “Russian” into things. With planning, you could have a wedding so beautiful even the cake is in tiers.
Child, I hope I’ve helped, but I can’t honestly tell you where these jokes could get you in five years — I don’t have 20/20 vision. But you can call me later. Actually, don’t call me later. Call me Dad.
You: My roommate’s terrible band practices all the time at our house. How do I politely tell him they suck and get them to stop playing?
YAFI: Start dropping suggestive objects around the house to show your irritation: earplugs, headphones, Van Gogh-style severed lobes.
If your buddy doesn’t pick up on these subtleties (if he’s the drummer, in other words), go big. Break out the Christmas lights to rig three enormous light-up X’s above your roommate’s bed. Triple-buzz your displeasure. Nick Cannon is contractually obligated to show up and remove the performer from the performance area any time this happens ever.
You could always have a fling with a bandmate and insert yourself into every artistic decision until the others feel so under the Yoko of your oppression that the band breaks up.
After you succeed, preacher from “Footloose,” leave your roommate some pride. Maybe let him go wild with your “Guitar Hero” because the worst he can do is play “When You Were Young” over and over again. He’ll be sad, though, so look out for whammy bar addiction.